This is Difficult

Bed rest is hard, yo.  I'm going to do what I need to keep these babies baking and myself healthy, but what an adjustment!

Yesterday, my first day on it, did not go so well.  Laying in bed, even propped up, gets painful.  My lower back hurt, my hips hurt.  By 6 pm, I was a mess - crying, with a splitting headache and frustrated that everyone around me was picking up the slack and not really doing a great job adjusting to their new roles, either.

DS2 acted out a lot.  He's not used to me being in bed.  He wanted to be near me. He wallowed all over me.  A couple of times I had to yell for DH to come in and remove him, which made him upset and he would cry and cry.  He cried A LOT yesterday.  My poor babe.

And my DH.  Where to start?  I guess by saying his work is being amazing about all of this.  We have no family here. Our family lives 1000 miles away.  We will need to hire help to come in and allow him to return to some sort of normalcy in his job, but in the meantime, it is just him being me.  And yesterday, he wasn't a very good me. I love him, but I need to vent about this, so bear with me.

At 1:00  I asked him for some lunch. I told him exactly what I wanted, beef tips and noodles.  Sounds more difficult than it really is, egg noodles cooked in beef broth (about >10 minutes to make) and the Hor.mel beef tips that you just pop in the microwave (3-4 minutes total).  By 4:15, all he had brought me in was a chicken tender from So.nic. ONE chicken tender. I had had nothing to drink and each time I asked one of the kids what Daddy was doing, they responded with, "Playing Fa.ble (a video game)".  Are you stinking kidding me? At 5:00, I got my food, my lunch. AT 5 PM!!!!!!!

He also barely spoke to me all day. I felt like such an outcast.  When I would yell for him, he would yell back, "What?!" like he didn't even want to come in the room. By 6:30, I felt so lonely, all I wanted to do was cry.  Fortunately, both my boys and my dog were at my side constantly to keep me company, although managing them around me all the time was kind of stressful.

I know that DH is stressed and he handles it in his own way.  He's nicknamed "The Duck" by his family - calm on the surface, paddle like hell underwater.  It's true. He internalizes everything.  I just can't help but feel like he's inadvertently punishing me in the process.

Ugh, I clearly have too much time to think.

Gender Disappointment

These words are gross to me.  I didn't even know there was such a thing as gender disappointment until I went searching for a place to upload the twins' NT scan pics to get opinions on what sex they might be.  The most popular site In.Genderdotcom, has a whole section devoted to being disappointed in the gender of your baby.  What. The.  Eff. 

Apparently, when you are fertile, you get to get pregnant at will and have the audacity to be disappointed if you were trying for a boy and got a girl or trying for a girl and got a boy.  I try not to let this kind of stuff get to me - I don't really care what kind of silliness people who have no clue how lucky they are can conjur up for themselves to get upset/disappointed over, but I'll be damned if that type of ridiculous behavior is going to creep into my life.

Let me set the stage for better understanding of why I am even addressing this stupidity here.  Since we found out that the twins are boys, the reaction from family has been less than stellar.  We've been met with more, "Awws" than "OHMYGOODGODANDGRAVY, Congratulations, you guys!!!"  We've even had an, "Oh well, as long as they are healthy" comment (this one really pissed me off).  I know that these people love us, want what is best for us and always have our best intentions at heart, but does anybody really think that the genders of these little ones was the goal here?!  Especially since these are people who know what we've gone through to get here.

I don't care if these babies are giraffes, as long as I can carry them to a healthy term, deliver them safely and be healthy myself, that's all that matters to me.  Why can't others just be happy for us?  What's so great about having a daughter that makes these little guys less miraculous?  Am I missing something here?

It's not my goal to bash girls, believe me. We would be ecstatic to be having a little girl, but the part that irks me is that obviously our family would be ecstatic, too and THAT'S the part that I don't get.  Little boys only get an "Oh well" while little girls would warrant a proper reaction? 

How could anyone not be as excited and grateful as we are over our labor of love? 

I feel like we should preface telling people with a "Sorry to let you down, but..."

You Gotta Pick and Choose Your Battles

So, I spent most of Monday evening just being generally annoyed that my OB never got back to me about my request for Zo.fran.  I went to bed nauseous, woke up nauseous and all morning Tuesday plotting how I would chew the nurses out for not getting back to me.  Thankful for common sense, I called the pharmacy just to make sure that there wasn't a prescription waiting for me.  Well, there was.  Since the day before. Oops.

I rushed off to pick it up and just couldn't wait to gobble it up and start feeling semi-human again.  I took my first dose immediately and six hours later, like clockwork, I took my second.  I was feeling great.  Until I wasn't feeling great. At all.

I woke up at 11:30 Tuesday night with a splitting headache. Like full-on migraine pain.  After I rolled back and forth on the bed holding my face in my hands for a good hour, I got up and staggered to the kitchen for a cup of tea. I figured a little caffeine would probably do the trick. Wrong. Three hours later, I was plotting driving myself to the ER.  You see, typically, when I have a migraine, at some point I puke.  That signals a turning point in the headache.  After puking, I always am able to go to sleep and when I wake up, I'm better.  Well, there would be no puking this time. You see, I was on Zo.fran and couldn't throw up. I wasn't even nauseated. Just had severe head/neck pain.  Anyway, at some point, I fell asleep.

I woke up to my DH saying goodbye as he was heading off to work and wondering why I was sleeping with a "towel on my face" (it was a washcloth).  He was completely unawares of the night I had.  When he left, I got up and went out to the kitchen, feeling a little better and eager to eat a little something even though my nausea was sneaking up on me again.  After I gagged down a piece of toast, I reached for my Zo.fran.  Before I could take the pill, I checked out the side of the bottle and there it was. Plain. As. Day.

"May Cause Headaches"

Well, eff that.

Of Not Blogging, Traveling, and IVF #2

I am not dead.

I've been more than neglectful of my blogging. And I have a secret. I haven't missed it.

I know that must sound terrible.  This blog and your support meant the world to me during IVF #1.  When everything went to hell, it hurt to keep coming back to this place. This place where I had hope. This place where my dreams were crushed. This place that changed for me after April 25th.

So, I attempted to move blogs and start fresh. But it wasn't enough. I needed a break. I left Oklahoma. I went to the mountains of West Virginia. I took a trip to Hawaii. I spent time with my friends and my family. I took a trip to San Diego. And here I am...

Four days into Lupron shots for IVF #2.  I can't believe I am here again. I should be 26 weeks pregnant.  But I am not. I'm back here. But am I really back?

I don't know how to answer that...

We'll see.

Awful Angry Ugly Rant

Disclaimer: I am completely belligerent and irrational today. I'm bitter and hateful and there is no pulling the reigns back on my emotions right now. This is not the me that I enjoy being. This is the me that this journey is making me right now. I could probably fight hard against these feelings, but I don't have the strength today. It is THURSDAY and I will feel how I need to feel.

I am so angry today. It's now been three weeks and this last week has dealt me more bad days than good. Now it's Thursday again and I woke up thinking, "Today, I WOULD'VE been eleven weeks pregnant."  Is it going to be like this every Thursday? Will I ever get to just enjoy one without wondering what could've should've been??  I just want to go back to bed until tomorrow, but I can't.

I've been so bitter of late. I've completely dropped off of my two week wait forums. I don't comment at all on my IVF forum anymore and the miscarriage forum that I joined with the other December 2011 mamas who lost their babies is moving right along without me which is probably for the best. They are all coping amazingly well with their losses and making plans to move forward and trying to get pregnant again. I am not dealing so well with my loss. I WISH I was. Believe me, it would be so much easier to just handle it and move on. While I feel like I'm handling it, the moving on is the hard part. Certainly DH and I could hope for an au naturale pregnancy, but those odds are not likely. In order to move forward in the TTC department, we would need to make plans, make appointments, make phone calls. So hilarious that making a baby is more about making phone calls than making love. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. And what's funnier...I am about as fertile as one could possibly be right now. Ask my good friend unaffected. She was lucky enough to get a picture of my CM yesterday, as it was the stretchiest and most it's ever been.  I was completely in awe of myself and my EWCM. Put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Facebook is full of pregnancy/birth announcements this week. Just another website I'll be ignoring for a bit. As if it isn't bad enough that I skip over belly pics, new baby pics, prenatal doctor's appointment updates, etc. I've also found myself raging against certain ALI blogs that I've come across. Yep, you read that right. I've been hating on fellow infertiles, people. A new low, indeed. For example, I found a blog through a blog that I follow and I was reading her "TTC Journey" and was feeling all sympathetic to her plight and everything.  She did all the IUIs and the Cl.omids and the Fe.mara cycles and then had to move on to IVF. My heart understands. It sympathizes. It really does.  So she does IVF and it works. She gets a baby out of it. So she wants another. I understand. It's an intrinsic desire, wanting to build on your family. So she does IVF again and it works. She's happily trucking through her second trimester. Awesome, right? Totally. I slammed my computer shut and thought to myself, "So you had to do IVF twice and it worked both times. Poor you. It must be soooooooo hard."

Yes, indeed. Who am I and where is the real me?? I hope she comes back soon because I have to go to Walmart in a bit and I'll certainly bust a cap in someone's ass if I have to go feeling like this.

Le Sigh

I hate Thursdays.

For the record, I realize it's Wednesday, but I hate Thursdays and Thursday is tomorrow and I probably won't blog tomorrow, so I'll just say it now - I hate Thursdays.

You see, each Thursday I would have turned another week pregnant. This week's Thursday, also known as "tomorrow", I would have been ten weeks pregnant. Two weeks from proclaiming to the world that we are were happily expecting. Now each passing Thursday propels me one week closer to an unfulfilled due date. Figures. Stupid Thursday. Not cool enough to be "hump day" and not fun enough to be celebrated as the day ushering in the weekend.

There is a whole Facebook page dedicated to the hatred of Thursdays. I will most likely be joining it.

If it Weren't for Bad News, There Would be No News

Warning: I curse at the end of this post. Offended? Don't read.

Last night, I ran a fever.  Out of concern, I called the RE's office and let them know. Of course, they wanted me to come in so they could take a look.  The good news? RE thinks that the fever is viral and that it would pass within a day or two.

Bad news:  Fetal heart rate was down to 97. Monday it was 103.  RE is "concerned".  Says time will tell and we will recheck on Monday.  He also marked my check-out sheet "high risk pregnancy" for the first time ever and I found the reason why on Dr. Google.

http://radiology.rsna.org/content/236/2/643.full

Don't feel like reading it? Here is the gist.  In 300 pregnancies where a low embryonic heart rate was found at 6-7 weeks (low = 100 bpm or less at 6.3 - 7.0 weeks), 188 or 60.6% ended before the first trimester was over.  Many ended within a week.  (As in, go back for recheck and find out that fetal cardiac activity had ceased.)

I fall into this category. Yay! Can't wait to go in on Monday and see whether or not my baby died. And the best part? Even if the heart rate recovers, my chances of "first trimester demise" are still 25% higher than most pregnancies.

Fuck you IVF. Fuck the last 3 months of my life and all the hope I had that this bullshit would work, too.

Teetering

My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived.  Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying.  I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying.  Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved.  My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.

I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting.  I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on.  It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene.  When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.

I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.

Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

WTF

My beta doubled.  I have been told to stay the course with my meds and come back in on Monday for another beta.  Oh, and to rest with my feet up as it appears that I could be miscarrying a twin.

Let's see, what else??

Oh, and just so you all know, I don't expect this to end well still. That may sound pessimistic, but I don't really hear a lot of low initial betas ending well. Try not to get all cheerleader-y because when the weekend ends, I figure all this will, too.  I want you guys to know that I am prepared for what is most likely to come. I will keep you all updated as I know more.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and offerings of sympathy.  I love you guys.

It's Over

I woke up bleeding this morning.

Beta Hell

My beta was 32.

I have to go back in on Wednesday to have my numbers rechecked.

They wanted them to be above 50.

This is what they call beta hell.

I am in it.

Rage Against the Fertility Feed

This post has all the makings of a good old-fashioned rant. If you want no part of it, please opt out here.  I'm telling warning you, it could will get ugly.  If you want no part of it, I understand. Just exit here.  Okay, if you are still here, I assume you are willing and able to understand the hormonal rant that is about to ensue.  I'll keep my anger limited to three subjects.

1.)  Is it too much to ask for just one time to log on to facebook and NOT see the inside of someone's uterus?  It's bad enough that EVERYONE I ran cross country with in high school is pregnant. (Don't read this as me not being happy for them, read this as a person who desperately wants to be pregnant getting slapped in the face daily, repeatedly by what she will now unaffectionately refer to as the "Fertility Feed.")  Is it too much to request that people not put weekly updates of their fetus' development on FACEBOOK?  Who would click on those links (infertile or otherwise)?  Part of me would love to publicly document my IVF cycle on facebook, just to level the playing field. If infertility affects one in ten couples, I think it would be awesome for somebody (think "me") to put a story out there that disproves the popular belief that touching a penis gets you pregnant.  I'm stuck here, peeps. So, so many pregos and on a day like today, I have to physically restrain myself from hiding them from my newsfeed.  Ugh. On a side note, I've gotten awesome at skipping and skimming. If it appears that a girl is standing sideways in a pic to show off a belly, my eyes go right over it and keep on going. "Selective Facebooking" is what I call it.

2.) Where in the hell is my period?  Again, is it too much to ask to NOT have to wait for her when I know she's coming? Dr. Awesome RE told us that we would NEVER conceive another child naturally. It's not like I'm sitting here with false hope thinking that sperm and egg have united and that a little bit of magic is going on inside my womb right now.  I'm not getting tricked into taking a WondFo, Flo. Just get here, ya beeyotch, so I can get on with my life IVF. 

3.)  My husband came home a little while ago from a 10 mile run and proceeded to waft around the house smelling like a wet dog. Bear in mind, odor is my constant enemy. Living with three men and a dog (who used to be a man before we had his you knows cut off) puts me on smell duty all the time. A candle is always burning, dirty dishes don't sit in the dishwasher, dirty laundry doesn't sit in the hampers, and the garbage is always taken out before it start to stink.  So, as you can imagine, walking around smelling like a wet, stinky dog man is UNacceptable.  Part of me knows he did it on purpose just because he subscribes to the eighth grade boy school of thought where if you like a girl, you piss her off just to put out the vibe that you like her.

I know as far as rants go, this could be way worse.  Part of me feels bad about the facebook rant.  It's not like it's those girl's fault for being fertile. It's not our fault for being infertile.  It's just that fertility is everywhere, completely acceptable to be pregnant regardless of the situation surrounding it all. Infertility is taboo and that is unjust and even if no one cares about it, it should be in their faces, too.

I don't feel bad about the husband rant, but I will amend myself where I said he did it on purpose.  He was probably clueless to his smell.  He doesn't think any of his "smells" smell.

As far as AF is concerned, she can go %$*^ herself.

***EDIT**** I just signed out, went to the bathroom and SHE'S HERE. Woo hoo!! CD One! Birth control to start on Tuesday! :)

My First ICLW and a Sad Saturday :(

Yay! My first ICLW! Welcome to my blog. I'm Aub, an almost 30 something and DH will be 31 soon.  We have been TTC #3 since 2010.We were not even considered infertile by our RE (we haven't been trying yet for a year) but I started seeing him because my cycles were irregular and ovulation was not always predictable.  I just completed a perfectly timed Femara cycle this month and during it all, we found out through a s/a that DH tested positive for two antisperm antibodies.  We have been been diagnosed with MF IF and are starting down the path of IVF with ICSI.  Pretty heavy diagnosis to swallow..

Today is a sad Saturday for me. My mom, who has been visiting from West Virginia for the week, is leaving today.  We just moved from the Pittsburgh, PA area to Oklahoma City, OK five months ago and I have been so very homesick for my parents and the mountains of West Virginia.  I went back for a brief visit in November and was planning on going back with my two sons in March for spring break, but I'll be in my TWW from my ET and I think Dr. Awesome RE would heavily discourage me from traveling when I'm supposed to be giving my embies a fair shot at implanting.

Now, I'm not a selfish brat. I know what's important and what is the right thing to do. We are trying to complete our family via some of the most invasive and expensive means possible and it would be silly stupid to risk it all just to go home and visit my family and friends.  I've been debating on putting off the whole IVF cycle until I go home, see everyone that I miss, recharge, reboot, re-Aub.  Honestly, I don't know what to do.  I have my birth control pills, AF is due today.  IVF class is scheduled for Tuesday at 4.  I will need to make my appointment for Monday or Wednesday for my u/s and mapping. I feel bad because the wheels have been set in motion for IVF NOW.  Would it be so bad if I just waited? Could I just wait?

Ugh. Sorry to be such a drama queen.

Here's a song that I like.  It suits my mood today, feeling "Cuckoo":)

Cuckoo by Lissie

Would You Pull Yourself Together Woman??

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty much an emotional mess today. I've tried on every single mood there is and NONE of them are suiting me.  I've let thoughts of doubt get to me and I think I've ruined my day and the day of a few friends who were victims of my texts/calls. I've purposely not spoken to DH today as to not yell at him. We are supposed to be BDing every night and I hate BDing when I'm angry.  I also can't stand the thought of DH saying the above words to me when I fly off the handle over things I obsess on.  I don't need a lecture. I need a box of tissues and a padded room.

It all started when I went over my u/s in my mind. Over and over again. I keyed in on the comment my RE made about my lining being on the "thin side."  I took that comment and within an hour convinced myself that I will not conceive this month because my lining will be way too thin. And there you have it folks. A demonstration of how a small seed of doubt can ruin the whole garden of hope.

5.8mm on CD13.  I still have time before I O (probably a good 3 days or so), but why couldn't it have been 6.5 or even just 6?  If it's not a big deal, why did my RE even say anything about it being thin? Is he trying to break it to me that things aren't looking good, but didn't want to rule out my chances just yet?  How is it that I am transfixed by a few words that he said during an otherwise very good visit? Am I crazy?

Don't answer that...

Yeah, I Got Them All Covered

By "them" I'm speaking of the side effects from the Femara.  Let me preface this post by saying that I'm pretty sensitive to medications. I rarely take anything and even have to be urged to take Tylenol and Advil when I have a bad headache or cramps.  So, yeah, medicine doesn't agree with me. Yay.

So, I took my first Femara two nights ago and had a fitful night's sleep. I woke up at five with a migraine.  I went back to sleep around 6:30 and then woke up at 8 only to experience the worst hot flash I have ever had, followed by a full day of feeling shaky and queasy.  I started to feel better around evening time, when it was time to........take my next pill. :/

My good friend was on her first day of Femara yesterday, so I was sure to let her know all the side effects I was experiencing. She told me that she wasn't having any, but would let me know when/if she did.  A few hours later, she informed me that she felt the hormonal rage starting to brew inside her and my first thought was, "Well, I can handle the physical side effects, but don't make me hormonal and moody on top of it all."

Fast forward to 11o'clock last night when I was lying on the couch surrounded by tissues watching The Nanny and bawling. At The Nanny.

DH - "Will you please come to bed?"

Me - "No! I hate everything!"

DH - "I'm not going to leave you out here watching Fran Drescher and crying like a loon."

Me - "Go away! I wouldn't expect you to understand!" (Collapses in heap amongst snotty Kleenex).

So, yeah. I got all those side effects listed on the bottle covered. At least it's "better" than Clomid, right?
Right?