My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived. Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying. I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved. My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.
I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting. I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on. It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene. When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.
I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.
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((hugs)) I hope the bleeding stops soon.
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry honey. I know how scary it is! This has happened to me with both my pregnancies. Its a constant battle between hope and thinking the worse. I always called my ob when I had the scary bleeding and they were always so sweet and let me come in to do a u/s.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your litte bean. Hugs!!
Did they say anything about a subchorianic bleed? I have heard of woman bleeding and passing clots with those. I would imagine that if something was really wrong you would have lost the baby by now. This sounds really really stressful. I spotted for like 8 to 9 weeks everyday with this pregnancy and that was hard to deal with.
ReplyDeleteWhen is your next ultrasound? I wouldn't hesitate to keep asking for them. You need to know.
E - My RE saw no evidence of a SCH, but he said there could be one behind the placenta that would not be visible. Yesterday, when he said that he felt the bleeding would be over soon, it made me think that he's leaning toward thinking that was the case. I have another u/s on Monday (my regularly scheduled u/s).
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that you and your little one are in my thoughts. Hang in there and do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that a time which should be filled with nothing but pure joy, is mixed equally with fear. Keeping you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteAub, such a roller-coaster :( I really hope the bleeding stops once and for all and you can enjoy your pregnancy. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThinking of you - can't imagine how scary and what a complete mind F this must be... Hoping everything settles down.
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I know it must be so scary. This has been such a crazy, stressful rollercoaster! I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things start getting easier! <3
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