"Get A Massage, Take A Yoga Class, Hire An Au Pair"

Who said it?
A) A well-meaning friend.
B) A fellow mother of multiples.
C) My dermatologist.

If you guessed C, have a cookie.  Although they seem more likely to come from a friend or a mom of twins, these words were spoken to me by my skin doctor.  I shall explain. But first, let me just say that I don't know what to think of this guy.

I went for a consultation on my skin, to get a plan for the future and when I was called back, after the pleasantries and whatnots, got right into to telling him about my rosacea.  I told him what has worked for me in the past (IPL), what I haven't seen any results with (creams, pills) and asked him to give me his thoughts on the matter.  The following is our conversation:

Him:  What exactly do you think I'm going to be able to do for you today?
Me:  Look at my skin, listen to my concerns, come up with a game plan for what can be done after these babies are born.
Him: Oh. Okay. You wouldn't believe how many women wait until they are pregnant to come in with concerns over their skin and then they get pissed that I can't do anything for them.
(Uncomfortable silence.)
Him:  So, are you staying away from your rosacea triggers?  Hot drinks, chocolate, cheese, tomatoes?
Me:  I have one cup of coffee a day and yes, I stay away from the rest. (A blatant lie. I have cheese and fairly often. It's my go-to snack. Whatever. He doesn't need to know that.)
Him: What do you hope to accomplish with future treatments?
Me: I want to get my redness under control, get rid of some of these capillaries and achieve an all over more even skin tone.  If my pores were smaller, that would be a bonus.
Him: You think your pores are enlarged?  (looks at my face through funny looking glasses)  Are you under stress, by chance?
Me: (stares at him)  Well, we just moved into a new house, I'm pregnant with twins after dealing with infertility, we've had some complications in this pregnancy, and I live about 1000 miles away from my family.  In a word? Yes. 
Him: Because there's this amazing phenomenon that happens in the brain when someone is under stress that makes things appear larger than they really are. People visualize things that aren't there.
Me: Sooo, you're saying my pores and my ass AREN'T as big as I think they are?
Him: They're probably not.  I really wish more doctors would read the research that has been done in the field because...(blah, blah, blah)...
Me: (Thinking to self)  I am witnessing someone having a mental breakdown. This is what the thought process of someone who has taken one too many hits off the gravity bong sounds like. I am really glad I stopped smoking pot in college.
Him: ...but the pharmaceutical companies can only treat stress with pro.zac and pax.il, so there's really no money to be made off of stress-related brain phenomenon.
Me: (stares)
Him: Until we can get you some practical treatment for your rosacea, why don't you get a massage, take a yoga class and hire an au pair.
Me: Are you going to give me a prescription for that?

Honestly. I'm left a bit confused by the whole experience. Do I think he's capable of treating my skin issues? Yes. Do I think he's koo koo for cocoa p.uffs?  Absolutely.

Isolation Booth **Edited For Clarity**

Things are weird.  I feel like all of my friendships are on hold, in limbo, or possibly just damaged beyond repair.  It's not unlike the feeling of isolation that I felt when dealing with infertility.  I thought that once I got pregnant I would rejoin, reconnect, and slip right back into my niche with the people I hold as dear to me as family. My group has changed, though.  I was off at war. Fighting this awful enemy that threatened my hopes and seeped into all aspects of my life. I won that battle or at least, AM winning that battle for now.  However, everything has changed.  People have changed. I have changed. And relationships that were once wonderful and fulfilling are either gone or empty or have just changed so much without me realizing, that I don't even recognize them or know where to begin to find my way back to them.

When I was fighting IF, I turned to my friends for advice and comfort.  They knew of my struggles, as a few were fighting similar battles.  It all gets so old, though. "What's going on?"  "How are you doing?"  "Any news?" These questions became like crosses to bear.  "Just waiting."  "The same."  "No, nothing to report."  There was a sense of self-consciousness that overcame me.  It seemed that ALL of my conversations in ALL of my friendships centered around what was happening in my life and my fight with infertility, my quest to get pregnant.  I hated it. I wanted to run away from it all. Get back to a place where I could have laughter and fun without this cloud hanging over my head, without wondering what the next cycle would bring, worrying if I would ever get where I was desperate to be.  I wanted to be me and I just couldn't.

Now, I'm pregnant.  A battle has been won.  Aside from lost time, a friendship is also lost. Three more friendships are weird.  I haven't a clue how to fix any of it. Two of them are weird for reasons I understand. Completely.

One is with a fellow IFer who was pregnant right along side me for about 6 weeks. Sadly, she lost her baby at 9 weeks, has had a D&C and is now waiting for her body to regulate so that she can move forward with an FET.  I have been there. I know all about the protective walls we build around ourselves when we feel vulnerable, sad and beat down from IF.  When I had my m/c last April, she was there for me and I know there was a period of "downtime" where her support never wavered.  But I wasn't up for it. I wanted to shut the world out. Forget about it all.  Be a hermit.  Stay in my shell.  My support for her is there and I know that she knows that. I'm just kind of waiting for the natural progression of these things.  She waited for me. I wait for her. Plus, she is super busy with her work.  Matters that must be attended to - work demands its demands, people!!  Still, feeling disconnected is never a good feeling.

Another friend of mine has received devastating news.  She can no longer use her own eggs if she wants to carry a child.  I could not imagine what a blow that would be.  We've stayed in touch.  We're talking less than what we have before, but still talking. She has admitted that she thinks it's the end of the road for her and TTC.  I listen and support, but I cannot, CANNOT imagine how she must be feeling. All I can do is tell her I love her and that if she needs me I am here. She has told me she wants to take a step back from all things TTC.  See how she feels. I know she is doing what she needs to do for her. But I'm sad for us.  I would love to talk to her about the other things she has going on in her life.  But I understand her need for space.

The third friend is a bit weirder on the "things are weird" scale.  She admitted to me some things that I know she is not proud of.  She didn't want to keep secrets from me, so she told me some things.  Now she has just kind of disappeared off the radar and I can only imagine that she maybe wishes she hadn't told me to begin with? Like she thought she would feel better, but doesn't?  I don't know - all I can do is just continue to try and reach out to her. I love her no matter what.

The friendship that was lost happened before I started stimming for my cycle. I don't really know what to say about it other than maybe, just maybe, had I not been staring down the barrel of our last chance at conceiving, I would have been able to devote more energy into saving it, given it the fight it deserved. I was wrong to let it go the way it did, but she was wrong, too. Now, it's too late.  Actions on both of our parts have shown that neither of us are willing to go back and make ammends. I'm still sad over it, though.

Turns out, in pregnancy one can feel just as isolated as on infertility.  My friends are changing. I am changing. We're struggling to keep that connection that keeps us changing together.

Gender Disappointment

These words are gross to me.  I didn't even know there was such a thing as gender disappointment until I went searching for a place to upload the twins' NT scan pics to get opinions on what sex they might be.  The most popular site In.Genderdotcom, has a whole section devoted to being disappointed in the gender of your baby.  What. The.  Eff. 

Apparently, when you are fertile, you get to get pregnant at will and have the audacity to be disappointed if you were trying for a boy and got a girl or trying for a girl and got a boy.  I try not to let this kind of stuff get to me - I don't really care what kind of silliness people who have no clue how lucky they are can conjur up for themselves to get upset/disappointed over, but I'll be damned if that type of ridiculous behavior is going to creep into my life.

Let me set the stage for better understanding of why I am even addressing this stupidity here.  Since we found out that the twins are boys, the reaction from family has been less than stellar.  We've been met with more, "Awws" than "OHMYGOODGODANDGRAVY, Congratulations, you guys!!!"  We've even had an, "Oh well, as long as they are healthy" comment (this one really pissed me off).  I know that these people love us, want what is best for us and always have our best intentions at heart, but does anybody really think that the genders of these little ones was the goal here?!  Especially since these are people who know what we've gone through to get here.

I don't care if these babies are giraffes, as long as I can carry them to a healthy term, deliver them safely and be healthy myself, that's all that matters to me.  Why can't others just be happy for us?  What's so great about having a daughter that makes these little guys less miraculous?  Am I missing something here?

It's not my goal to bash girls, believe me. We would be ecstatic to be having a little girl, but the part that irks me is that obviously our family would be ecstatic, too and THAT'S the part that I don't get.  Little boys only get an "Oh well" while little girls would warrant a proper reaction? 

How could anyone not be as excited and grateful as we are over our labor of love? 

I feel like we should preface telling people with a "Sorry to let you down, but..."

Things Are Uncomfortable...

...between my blog and I.  We started this journey together trying to get pregnant and trying to work through our feelings about secondary infertility. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel like my blog and I are growing apart.  We wanted the same things in the beginning, but now that we've gotten there, we are just kind of awkward together. I have tried time and time again to write a post, any post and it just doesn't feel right.

I have been given two beautiful boys and now I am expecting twins.  I feel so blessed, I need a new word for blessed, I want to write about it all and have it to look back on.

But to stop blogging about IF and start blogging about pregnancy seems so.....weird. I think I understand why some start a new blog about their pregnancy.

Anyone else experience this?  What did you do?

Facebook Pregnancy Announcement

You know, they don't bother me anymore.  I guess being pregnant makes them more bearable.  But this one got under my skin.

You see, she is four weeks pregnant.

That's right.

I said four.

I will be five tomorrow and have no plans of even breathing a word of it until twelve or thirteen weeks. Probably even later than that if it's twins.  Even then I will be waiting for something bad to happen. For the other shoe to drop.

Are people for real?

I wish I could be so effing ignorant.

Of Not Blogging, Traveling, and IVF #2

I am not dead.

I've been more than neglectful of my blogging. And I have a secret. I haven't missed it.

I know that must sound terrible.  This blog and your support meant the world to me during IVF #1.  When everything went to hell, it hurt to keep coming back to this place. This place where I had hope. This place where my dreams were crushed. This place that changed for me after April 25th.

So, I attempted to move blogs and start fresh. But it wasn't enough. I needed a break. I left Oklahoma. I went to the mountains of West Virginia. I took a trip to Hawaii. I spent time with my friends and my family. I took a trip to San Diego. And here I am...

Four days into Lupron shots for IVF #2.  I can't believe I am here again. I should be 26 weeks pregnant.  But I am not. I'm back here. But am I really back?

I don't know how to answer that...

We'll see.

Teetering

My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived.  Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying.  I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying.  Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved.  My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.

I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting.  I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on.  It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene.  When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.

I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.

Bad Dreams...

I tend to dream a lot when I'm really tired. It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I'm exhausted.  For the last ten or more nights, I've been dreaming a lot.

A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!"  I agreed that this year, I would be DD.  Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...

DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane.  I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.

Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant.  By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound.  Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward. 

I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.

**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**

Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

"Can we make an omelette with that egg?"

This is what DH asked my RE today when we went in for the midcycle u/s this morning.  Yes, it's true. I've got a pretty nice follie on the left side! Just one, but I was told that one is enough. It measured 20.1mm and everything else looks great. My lining is a little on the thin side, but well within normal range. Ovulation isn't expected for a few days yet, so Dr. R says that all will be fine in that department when I do "O".

I had mixed emotions about today's visit.  Part of me wanted to see two follies. I wanted to super-ovulate. I know it sounds crazy, but had there been two, I would have felt better about A) my chances in conceiving this cycle and B) that my body was working on its own.  Now I question both.  Will this be the month? Was I even ovulating before the Femara?  It's difficult not to get all down in the dumps and second guess every little detail. I probably asked Dr. R eleventy times if he was happy with everything and felt that all was up to his expectations. Eleventy times back, he gave me a big smile and the "thumbs up."  Now it's up to us, I guess.

He still would like for me to come in on Friday for a post-coital exam. I'm probably going to go, but I don't know how to feel about it. I've read lots of forums where people are saying that theirs came back bad, but they ended up getting pregnant that very cycle. Some people get great reports from it, but have yet to get their bfp.  A lot of doctors don't place much value on them, where others do. AGH!! What to think? What to think?  If it comes back bad, I'm probably going to go off the deep end, for real.  My mind will say, "One egg?  Hostile CM?  Good luck with that one, loser!"      *Big sigh*

To answer Josh's question about the omelette, Dr. R just laughed and said, "Absolutely. Make a baby omelette with that thing."

Here's hoping!!!