Wow, first and foremost thank you all so much for the kind thoughts and prayers for me and my boys. Emily and Unaffected, I appreciate all the troops you rallied up to support me. I don't know what else to say, but thanks!
I really wanted to update sooner, but have been resting and catching up on my eating today. Yesterday was very long and scary. All I ate was cereal at breakfast, so today I've been feeding these babies, who are happily still growing in my "ute" (as Emily would say)!
Okay, so yesterday morning, I woke up feeling like crap. The night before, we had gone to an NBA game and we didn't get in until late. I had to get up early with my DSs and get them ready for school. I attributed the late night before to my low backache and on and off cramping. I sat for most of the morning and drank water, hoping they would subside. In a two hour time period, I timed 21 contractions. All with accompanying low back pain. I knew I had to call my doc. On my way to the phone, I stopped in the bathroom to pee. When I wiped, there was a big bloody glob of mucous on the tp (sorry for the TMI). I wiped again and there was blood. I stayed calm, but pretty much decided then and there that I was in labor. I've never had back labor before, but I thought maybe that's what was going on. I called my OB and they told me to go straight to labor and delivery.
When I got there, I got hooked up and was contracting about 5 minutes apart. The babies looked great. Strong heartbeats (132 &150) but we had to get the contractions stopped and quickly. My doc didn't want to stir anything up by checking my cervix manually, so they brought an u/s machine in and measured it/looked at it abdominally. Long and closed, thank god!
They didn't want to jump straight to mag sulfate, so they gave me a shot in the back of my arm (some sort of muscle relaxer) to calm my uterus. It didn't work. Just made me shaky and hyper and my heart race. An hour later, I was begging for the mag, anything to stop the contractions and keep my babies safe. The gave me a shot of dem.erol and phener.gan. I was still in pain and contracting regularly, but was loopy and cared less about the pain, the medicine was just making me foggy and out of touch with reality. It was awful. I hated not feeling like I was in control, not feeling like I could advocate for myself and my babies like I should have been able to.
During that time, they tested my urine and saw that it contained elevated white cells. Couple that with the back pain and they decided the pain was coming from the kidneys, not back labor. They did an u/s on my kidneys and it came back negative. I was so frustrated thinking that we were back to square one and I was in labor. My doc disagreed, though. He said that a lot of times, in the early stages or with small stones, they aren't easily detected on an u/s. Sometimes, you have to take the "wait and see" approach. He ordered another shot of dem.erol and phener.gan and this one knocked me out. For like three hours. When I woke up, I had an IV in my left arm and was already on my second bag of fluids. DH informed me that the contractions had pretty much stopped and that I was only having maybe one or two an hour. I had to pee, but they made me go in a strainer to see if I passed anything. I didn't, but it was painful and only came out in a small stream. Ouch.
They decided that the contractions were just my uterus reacting to me being in pain from my kidneys. Once we got the pain under control, the contractions stopped. My doc said the ONLY reason my cervix stayed nice and closed was because Baby A was no longer head down, but had flipped transverse and was pretty high up. (Good boy, babe!!) Had he been head down, I would have been effacing and dilating. We were so relieved to get this news!
They traced heartbeats and contractions for another hour and then I was allowed to go home. I got a third dose of pain meds/anti-nausea and came home and passed out. I have to pee in a strainer to see if I pass anything. If I do pass something, they want me to bring it in and have it tested to see what it is I need to stay away from the rest of the pregnancy, food-wise.
Today, I am just trying to stay on top of the pain and rest. It is uncomfortable to pee, so I'm hoping I will pass something soon.
As for the mucous plug, I took it to the hospital with me in a zip.loc bag and my doc said it was a good thing I came in when I did. He thinks that the plug will replenish itself. We just need to keep a close eye on my cervix at all my appts from here on out.
Well, that was a book. Sorry to keep you all waiting for an update. So thankful that these babies are still with me and baking!!
Thanks again for all the blog love! And to my new followers, I will follow you back!
Showing posts with label DS1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DS1. Show all posts
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Trauma: Life in the OB's Office
My experience at my OB appointment on Monday. Read for a good laugh. And for TMI.
My kids had off school for President's Day and I had a 9:15 OB appt. So much for sleeping in! Anyway, I am never in that office for more than thirty minutes from waiting room to check out. Of course, that wouldn't be the case on the day I brought my children.
We waited over an hour in the waiting room alone. The kids were good; they had their PSP and DS to play with and they were troopers. DS2 kept letting stinkers and claiming that he did not have to go #2. I was skeptical. After about twenty minutes of little "smells" wafting my way, I realized that whether or not he had to go, I DID. More reason for me to beg that my name be called RIGHT NOW. Which happened. Finally.
So I get my weight, BP and FMU checked and get into a room. The nurse informs me that they will be doing a fetal fibronectin test and I will be getting it done every appt until delivery. "Bottoms off" she says to me. Umm. #notsomethingIwantmykidstoseehappen
My game plan was to make the kids turn around and face the wall for the test. (It was the best I could come up with spur of the moment.) I gave them a short explanation of how things were going to happen and what I wanted them to do. They turned around while I derobed and hopped up onto the table. I covered with the paper napkin/towel/thing and we waited. And waited. And waited. AND WAITED. FORTY minutes later and now I have to pee and go two. I was breaking into a cold sweat. The kids were starting to whine. Calgon, take me away!
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I redressed, threatened my kids to be good "or else" and left the room to go pee. I returned, re-derobed, got verbally chastized by my ten-year-old for leaving a "butt print" on the paper on the table and retook my position on the exam table. At this point, I was FUMING mad over my wait.
Fortunately, the kids were getting the hint that I had had it and when my finally OB came in, they turned around, faced the wall, and didn't turn around or speak the entire time he was in the room. Who knows what my OB thought of them standing there like that?!
What's worse, it took a strength I didn't know I had not poo all over the place when he opened the speculum up for the FFN test. I was deep breathing and everything.
Worst part, we missed Chick-Fil-A breakfast.
To say that I am slightly traumatized by the whole experience is a serious understatement. I can't even imagine how my poor kids must feel.
Three days until viability!!!
My kids had off school for President's Day and I had a 9:15 OB appt. So much for sleeping in! Anyway, I am never in that office for more than thirty minutes from waiting room to check out. Of course, that wouldn't be the case on the day I brought my children.
We waited over an hour in the waiting room alone. The kids were good; they had their PSP and DS to play with and they were troopers. DS2 kept letting stinkers and claiming that he did not have to go #2. I was skeptical. After about twenty minutes of little "smells" wafting my way, I realized that whether or not he had to go, I DID. More reason for me to beg that my name be called RIGHT NOW. Which happened. Finally.
So I get my weight, BP and FMU checked and get into a room. The nurse informs me that they will be doing a fetal fibronectin test and I will be getting it done every appt until delivery. "Bottoms off" she says to me. Umm. #notsomethingIwantmykidstoseehappen
My game plan was to make the kids turn around and face the wall for the test. (It was the best I could come up with spur of the moment.) I gave them a short explanation of how things were going to happen and what I wanted them to do. They turned around while I derobed and hopped up onto the table. I covered with the paper napkin/towel/thing and we waited. And waited. And waited. AND WAITED. FORTY minutes later and now I have to pee and go two. I was breaking into a cold sweat. The kids were starting to whine. Calgon, take me away!
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I redressed, threatened my kids to be good "or else" and left the room to go pee. I returned, re-derobed, got verbally chastized by my ten-year-old for leaving a "butt print" on the paper on the table and retook my position on the exam table. At this point, I was FUMING mad over my wait.
Fortunately, the kids were getting the hint that I had had it and when my finally OB came in, they turned around, faced the wall, and didn't turn around or speak the entire time he was in the room. Who knows what my OB thought of them standing there like that?!
What's worse, it took a strength I didn't know I had not poo all over the place when he opened the speculum up for the FFN test. I was deep breathing and everything.
Worst part, we missed Chick-Fil-A breakfast.
To say that I am slightly traumatized by the whole experience is a serious understatement. I can't even imagine how my poor kids must feel.
Three days until viability!!!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
This is Difficult
Bed rest is hard, yo. I'm going to do what I need to keep these babies baking and myself healthy, but what an adjustment!
Yesterday, my first day on it, did not go so well. Laying in bed, even propped up, gets painful. My lower back hurt, my hips hurt. By 6 pm, I was a mess - crying, with a splitting headache and frustrated that everyone around me was picking up the slack and not really doing a great job adjusting to their new roles, either.
DS2 acted out a lot. He's not used to me being in bed. He wanted to be near me. He wallowed all over me. A couple of times I had to yell for DH to come in and remove him, which made him upset and he would cry and cry. He cried A LOT yesterday. My poor babe.
And my DH. Where to start? I guess by saying his work is being amazing about all of this. We have no family here. Our family lives 1000 miles away. We will need to hire help to come in and allow him to return to some sort of normalcy in his job, but in the meantime, it is just him being me. And yesterday, he wasn't a very good me. I love him, but I need to vent about this, so bear with me.
At 1:00 I asked him for some lunch. I told him exactly what I wanted, beef tips and noodles. Sounds more difficult than it really is, egg noodles cooked in beef broth (about >10 minutes to make) and the Hor.mel beef tips that you just pop in the microwave (3-4 minutes total). By 4:15, all he had brought me in was a chicken tender from So.nic. ONE chicken tender. I had had nothing to drink and each time I asked one of the kids what Daddy was doing, they responded with, "Playing Fa.ble (a video game)". Are you stinking kidding me? At 5:00, I got my food, my lunch. AT 5 PM!!!!!!!
He also barely spoke to me all day. I felt like such an outcast. When I would yell for him, he would yell back, "What?!" like he didn't even want to come in the room. By 6:30, I felt so lonely, all I wanted to do was cry. Fortunately, both my boys and my dog were at my side constantly to keep me company, although managing them around me all the time was kind of stressful.
I know that DH is stressed and he handles it in his own way. He's nicknamed "The Duck" by his family - calm on the surface, paddle like hell underwater. It's true. He internalizes everything. I just can't help but feel like he's inadvertently punishing me in the process.
Ugh, I clearly have too much time to think.
Yesterday, my first day on it, did not go so well. Laying in bed, even propped up, gets painful. My lower back hurt, my hips hurt. By 6 pm, I was a mess - crying, with a splitting headache and frustrated that everyone around me was picking up the slack and not really doing a great job adjusting to their new roles, either.
DS2 acted out a lot. He's not used to me being in bed. He wanted to be near me. He wallowed all over me. A couple of times I had to yell for DH to come in and remove him, which made him upset and he would cry and cry. He cried A LOT yesterday. My poor babe.
And my DH. Where to start? I guess by saying his work is being amazing about all of this. We have no family here. Our family lives 1000 miles away. We will need to hire help to come in and allow him to return to some sort of normalcy in his job, but in the meantime, it is just him being me. And yesterday, he wasn't a very good me. I love him, but I need to vent about this, so bear with me.
At 1:00 I asked him for some lunch. I told him exactly what I wanted, beef tips and noodles. Sounds more difficult than it really is, egg noodles cooked in beef broth (about >10 minutes to make) and the Hor.mel beef tips that you just pop in the microwave (3-4 minutes total). By 4:15, all he had brought me in was a chicken tender from So.nic. ONE chicken tender. I had had nothing to drink and each time I asked one of the kids what Daddy was doing, they responded with, "Playing Fa.ble (a video game)". Are you stinking kidding me? At 5:00, I got my food, my lunch. AT 5 PM!!!!!!!
He also barely spoke to me all day. I felt like such an outcast. When I would yell for him, he would yell back, "What?!" like he didn't even want to come in the room. By 6:30, I felt so lonely, all I wanted to do was cry. Fortunately, both my boys and my dog were at my side constantly to keep me company, although managing them around me all the time was kind of stressful.
I know that DH is stressed and he handles it in his own way. He's nicknamed "The Duck" by his family - calm on the surface, paddle like hell underwater. It's true. He internalizes everything. I just can't help but feel like he's inadvertently punishing me in the process.
Ugh, I clearly have too much time to think.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
12 Weeks
I thought I would do a pregnancy post update. You know, how big is baby? How big is uterus? How big is Mommy's butt? So, if you aren't interested, I understand. If you are, please read on.
What's going on with Larry and Balki? Umm, their fingers and toes wiggle. They are peeing in their sacs. They are practicing swallowing. (Which makes the previous statement a lot grosser.) Their little brains are producing testosterone/estrogen. They are as big as large plums and weigh 1/2 ounce.
What's going on with the Mothership? I am finally getting a handle on my nausea, thanks to uni.som and vitamin B6 (thank you, Emily!!) I am trying to get used to eating smaller portions, as I am well aware of the heartburn that is about to replace the nausea very soon. I'm tired all the time. My boobies are huge and they hurt and they are covered in fantastic blue veins. I have a hard time going "two". Hard being the operative word there - ouch! Hmmmm, sex? No, thank you.
Highlights of the previous week: I am able to find the babies' heartbeats easily on my home doppler. I like having that reassurance between appointments. I also made my u/s appointment to see what the babies are for January 5th!! That's so soon! Off topic, but still noteworthy, we took our boys to San Antonio this past weekend and enjoyed a day at Sea World and just being away for a few days. DS2 got to be a part of the Shamu show and it was so precious! DH and I were on the "Kiss Cam" before the show started and he opted to point to his WVU hat the whole time, while I looked up at us on the screen, looked back down, and continued texting. Ooh, we bought a house, too! Very excited about that and hoping to move in the middle of next month!! That's about it. Sorry if I bored you to tears!
Hope you are all well!!
What's going on with Larry and Balki? Umm, their fingers and toes wiggle. They are peeing in their sacs. They are practicing swallowing. (Which makes the previous statement a lot grosser.) Their little brains are producing testosterone/estrogen. They are as big as large plums and weigh 1/2 ounce.
What's going on with the Mothership? I am finally getting a handle on my nausea, thanks to uni.som and vitamin B6 (thank you, Emily!!) I am trying to get used to eating smaller portions, as I am well aware of the heartburn that is about to replace the nausea very soon. I'm tired all the time. My boobies are huge and they hurt and they are covered in fantastic blue veins. I have a hard time going "two". Hard being the operative word there - ouch! Hmmmm, sex? No, thank you.
Highlights of the previous week: I am able to find the babies' heartbeats easily on my home doppler. I like having that reassurance between appointments. I also made my u/s appointment to see what the babies are for January 5th!! That's so soon! Off topic, but still noteworthy, we took our boys to San Antonio this past weekend and enjoyed a day at Sea World and just being away for a few days. DS2 got to be a part of the Shamu show and it was so precious! DH and I were on the "Kiss Cam" before the show started and he opted to point to his WVU hat the whole time, while I looked up at us on the screen, looked back down, and continued texting. Ooh, we bought a house, too! Very excited about that and hoping to move in the middle of next month!! That's about it. Sorry if I bored you to tears!
Hope you are all well!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Things Are Uncomfortable...
...between my blog and I. We started this journey together trying to get pregnant and trying to work through our feelings about secondary infertility. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel like my blog and I are growing apart. We wanted the same things in the beginning, but now that we've gotten there, we are just kind of awkward together. I have tried time and time again to write a post, any post and it just doesn't feel right.
I have been given two beautiful boys and now I am expecting twins. I feel so blessed, I need a new word for blessed, I want to write about it all and have it to look back on.
But to stop blogging about IF and start blogging about pregnancy seems so.....weird. I think I understand why some start a new blog about their pregnancy.
Anyone else experience this? What did you do?
I have been given two beautiful boys and now I am expecting twins. I feel so blessed, I need a new word for blessed, I want to write about it all and have it to look back on.
But to stop blogging about IF and start blogging about pregnancy seems so.....weird. I think I understand why some start a new blog about their pregnancy.
Anyone else experience this? What did you do?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Good News Will Work Its Way To All Them Plans.
I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.
The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.
I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.
1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!
2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!
3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.
That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!
And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:
...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...
The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.
I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.
1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!
2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!
3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.
That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!
And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:
...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Ten Days of Company and Looking Ahead
I am not dead :)
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
In Awe & Very, Very Thankful
With tomorrow's ER looming overhead, I find myself feeling very emotional. Of course, I could attribute everything to my hormones and think nothing more of it, but what I'm feeling goes so much deeper than just high estrogen levels.
I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours. I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child. I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again.
I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents. As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.
As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy. This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!
I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon. It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored. I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!). I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.
Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time. Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.
Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!
I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours. I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child. I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again.
I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents. As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.
As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy. This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!
I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon. It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored. I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!). I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.
Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time. Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.
Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Puke and Poop: Repeat!
This post is about my sick nine-year-old and all the lovely bodily functions that come along with the stomach flu. I understand if you don't want to read or comment, but this is what's going on in my world since yesterday.
My big boy is sick. It all started yesterday when I went in to wake him up for school and noticed he was kind of moaning in his sleep. I asked him what was up and he said his stomach hurt. I told him to at least try to get up and have breakfast and promised him we'd take it slow and see how he did. Three bites into his waffles, he runs to the bathroom and loses it out of both ends. :( He got a quick shower and went back to bed. The day was uneventful and by evening he had a great dinner and I figured all would be back to normal this morning, which was good because Wednesdays are pretty busy for me. WRONG! He puked at 1 am. He puked and pooped himself at 4 am. He pooped himself at 8 am and he pooped himself at 9 am and he pooped himself just now in the bathtub. It has to be a boy thing. My friend said her little girl would flip out if she lost control of herself in her pants or in the tub. My son acts like it's no big deal!! :/
So, today is all about taking care of him and getting him back to his old self again. DH is out of town for work (which absolutely figures) so it's me against the world today. Bring it! I've got Clorox, Lysol, AND butt wipes. :)
If you are here from ICLW, you can get caught up with what's going on with us here.
My big boy is sick. It all started yesterday when I went in to wake him up for school and noticed he was kind of moaning in his sleep. I asked him what was up and he said his stomach hurt. I told him to at least try to get up and have breakfast and promised him we'd take it slow and see how he did. Three bites into his waffles, he runs to the bathroom and loses it out of both ends. :( He got a quick shower and went back to bed. The day was uneventful and by evening he had a great dinner and I figured all would be back to normal this morning, which was good because Wednesdays are pretty busy for me. WRONG! He puked at 1 am. He puked and pooped himself at 4 am. He pooped himself at 8 am and he pooped himself at 9 am and he pooped himself just now in the bathtub. It has to be a boy thing. My friend said her little girl would flip out if she lost control of herself in her pants or in the tub. My son acts like it's no big deal!! :/
So, today is all about taking care of him and getting him back to his old self again. DH is out of town for work (which absolutely figures) so it's me against the world today. Bring it! I've got Clorox, Lysol, AND butt wipes. :)
If you are here from ICLW, you can get caught up with what's going on with us here.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
How to Make It Through
I've decided this month is just going to drag on relentlessly if I don't come up with a list of things to do while I wait to start stimming in March. It's ridiculous that the shortest month of the year is ALWAYS the longest. All I have to do as far as TTC is concerned is take my bc and start Lupron injections on the 15th. I guess I can also enjoy the newfound fun in BDing (although that has nothing to do with conceiving anymore). So, I'm going to start a list of things to do to get me through this lull. Some things are fun, others necessary. In no particular order:
1. Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt. I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in. Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!
2. I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious. Now I am. I'm calling today for an appointment to get started. Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush. I'll laser it if I want to.
3. Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!
4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.
5. I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2. Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention. They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.
6. I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner. I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over. I want to find new recipes and try them. If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!
I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!
1. Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt. I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in. Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!
2. I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious. Now I am. I'm calling today for an appointment to get started. Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush. I'll laser it if I want to.
3. Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!
4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.
5. I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2. Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention. They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.
6. I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner. I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over. I want to find new recipes and try them. If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!
I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
CD One
No big revelation as to what this post will be about. The title most certainly gives it away. I find myself staring down the barrel of another cycle as AF decided to make her grand appearance on Christmas Eve. In the fitting room. At Gap. Yay me.
Gap worker- "How are those jeans working out for you?"
Me- "Do you have a tampon?"
Yep. That's how it went down in one of the ugliest AF showdowns (or show ups?) in recent history. I'm just happy she came, being that I had expected her since Monday. Which begs the question, "Why weren't you prepared for her arrival?" I can only say, "Wishful thinking" in response. It was a break cycle and the good thing about them is they carry no expectations. It would have been nice to have made a little baby down in the Bahamas, but the quality of the BDing was sub par and DH knows this as I have reminded him several times. How cool, though, to call my RE's office and tell them that I no longer required their services? Ah, I digress.
Three days in and looking forward to my u/s tomorrow. Hoping for a good report and to be walking out of there with an rx for Femara in hand. I'll be starting Tuesday and taking it through Saturday. Finishing on January first. The new year.
There I go again with the hope.
We took the boys to their first (mine, too!) NBA game last night and they were thrilled (me too!). Here's some pics from the outing I thought I'd share. The Thunder won! Afterward, we took a drive through where my husband works and showed the boys the Christmas lights they put up there. Insane how tightly wrapped those trees are in lights! Enjoy!
Gap worker- "How are those jeans working out for you?"
Me- "Do you have a tampon?"
Yep. That's how it went down in one of the ugliest AF showdowns (or show ups?) in recent history. I'm just happy she came, being that I had expected her since Monday. Which begs the question, "Why weren't you prepared for her arrival?" I can only say, "Wishful thinking" in response. It was a break cycle and the good thing about them is they carry no expectations. It would have been nice to have made a little baby down in the Bahamas, but the quality of the BDing was sub par and DH knows this as I have reminded him several times. How cool, though, to call my RE's office and tell them that I no longer required their services? Ah, I digress.
Three days in and looking forward to my u/s tomorrow. Hoping for a good report and to be walking out of there with an rx for Femara in hand. I'll be starting Tuesday and taking it through Saturday. Finishing on January first. The new year.
There I go again with the hope.
We took the boys to their first (mine, too!) NBA game last night and they were thrilled (me too!). Here's some pics from the outing I thought I'd share. The Thunder won! Afterward, we took a drive through where my husband works and showed the boys the Christmas lights they put up there. Insane how tightly wrapped those trees are in lights! Enjoy!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Football and Babies Part Two
So, I've made it abundantly clear that my RE is the guy for me and if you missed that just click here. He made such a great impression before we even discussed my situation and possible treatment. It could not have gone better! Then again, maybe I had my mind made up that it was going to be so bad that it just ended up being not as bad as I imagined. :) Who cares about the why and the how? I feel good. That's all that counts.
Back to the appointment, when it did come time to put me in a test tube and study me he gave me the news: I'm not infertile. That was good and bad to hear. "Yay! I'm not infertile" "Wait, are you going to tell me to leave?" Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the good news without being kicked out on my hiney. I'm not infertile because we haven't been trying for a year. This I knew. It's been almost a year, but we're not there yet. So what now? Being the prepared and informed patient that I knew I would be (with a little help from a good friend), I showed him all the data I had collected. He told me my periods are all over the place. (Yeah, I know.) He told me I'm not ovulating regularly. (Yeah, I had a feeling.) He told me he could help. (Now we're talking, doc.)
After ordering me some tests for my thyroid and prolactin levels, he recommended that we wait for AF to arrive and then schedule an ultrasound for CD 3. He wants to check for cysts and "obstructions" and basically anything that he feels will keep me from conceiving. At that point, he'll also test my FSH levels to see if they're within "normal" range. We already cleared DH as a possible reason for conception failure. The answer lies somewhere in my lower abdominal cavity. We just need to pinpoint what exactly has gone whack with my plumbing. If everything is good with the u/s, he recommended a 5 day rx for either Clomid or Femara, my choice (I'm leaning toward the Femara) CDs 5-9. Then we'll regroup for an u/s to count and measure my follicles. He strongly encouraged DH and I to discuss and plan for the possibility of multiples and if that's NOT what we want, we'll go a different route steering away from fertility medications.
So much to think about after my appointment that my head was dancing with visions of condom-covered ultrasound wands and potholder-covered stirrups. All joking aside, I felt great. I felt relieved. I felt a sense of peace for the first time in a really long time. It was so hard for me to come around to the idea of getting help, but the feeling of contentment as I left with my stack of reading material in hand was a welcome change and a definite step in the right direction. When I discussed it all with DH, he agreed that this is the way to go for now. He's a very results-driven person like me and if doing the same thing month after month isn't getting desired results, choosing to do something different is the right thing to do. Love him for that!
What I didn't care for much was his reaction to the various due dates I threw his way. ME - "If we were to get pregnant on the first cycle, the baby would be due in late September/early October." DH - "Let me check the WVU Football schedule and see if that works. (checks) I don't know about that. I really want to fly back for the LSU game." LOL...he's crazy on all counts. I think/know/hope being here with me and our new baby would trump any West Virginia game, but I try not to make him choose between me and his college football team too much. Saves me from feeling disappointed. :)
What I learned from taking this smallish big step is this: Struggling to get pregnant was consuming me. This appointment gave me my focus back. I realize I can concentrate on my family AND make a baby, too. I don't have to choose anymore! I can give everyone the attention they need and deserve because there's a hand being extended to me that I believe can help make it all happen. My outlook has improved dramatically. The cup may still be half empty, but it's not shattered on the floor with me standing in the broken glass. That's an improvement! So here's to 2011 and baby making! May my due date not coincide with West Virginia Football!
Back to the appointment, when it did come time to put me in a test tube and study me he gave me the news: I'm not infertile. That was good and bad to hear. "Yay! I'm not infertile" "Wait, are you going to tell me to leave?" Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the good news without being kicked out on my hiney. I'm not infertile because we haven't been trying for a year. This I knew. It's been almost a year, but we're not there yet. So what now? Being the prepared and informed patient that I knew I would be (with a little help from a good friend), I showed him all the data I had collected. He told me my periods are all over the place. (Yeah, I know.) He told me I'm not ovulating regularly. (Yeah, I had a feeling.) He told me he could help. (Now we're talking, doc.)
After ordering me some tests for my thyroid and prolactin levels, he recommended that we wait for AF to arrive and then schedule an ultrasound for CD 3. He wants to check for cysts and "obstructions" and basically anything that he feels will keep me from conceiving. At that point, he'll also test my FSH levels to see if they're within "normal" range. We already cleared DH as a possible reason for conception failure. The answer lies somewhere in my lower abdominal cavity. We just need to pinpoint what exactly has gone whack with my plumbing. If everything is good with the u/s, he recommended a 5 day rx for either Clomid or Femara, my choice (I'm leaning toward the Femara) CDs 5-9. Then we'll regroup for an u/s to count and measure my follicles. He strongly encouraged DH and I to discuss and plan for the possibility of multiples and if that's NOT what we want, we'll go a different route steering away from fertility medications.
So much to think about after my appointment that my head was dancing with visions of condom-covered ultrasound wands and potholder-covered stirrups. All joking aside, I felt great. I felt relieved. I felt a sense of peace for the first time in a really long time. It was so hard for me to come around to the idea of getting help, but the feeling of contentment as I left with my stack of reading material in hand was a welcome change and a definite step in the right direction. When I discussed it all with DH, he agreed that this is the way to go for now. He's a very results-driven person like me and if doing the same thing month after month isn't getting desired results, choosing to do something different is the right thing to do. Love him for that!
What I didn't care for much was his reaction to the various due dates I threw his way. ME - "If we were to get pregnant on the first cycle, the baby would be due in late September/early October." DH - "Let me check the WVU Football schedule and see if that works. (checks) I don't know about that. I really want to fly back for the LSU game." LOL...he's crazy on all counts. I think/know/hope being here with me and our new baby would trump any West Virginia game, but I try not to make him choose between me and his college football team too much. Saves me from feeling disappointed. :)
What I learned from taking this smallish big step is this: Struggling to get pregnant was consuming me. This appointment gave me my focus back. I realize I can concentrate on my family AND make a baby, too. I don't have to choose anymore! I can give everyone the attention they need and deserve because there's a hand being extended to me that I believe can help make it all happen. My outlook has improved dramatically. The cup may still be half empty, but it's not shattered on the floor with me standing in the broken glass. That's an improvement! So here's to 2011 and baby making! May my due date not coincide with West Virginia Football!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"But...They're Going to Cut My Boys....Again"
The title to this post was DH's simple, clear statement of the reason he didn't want to have another child. It came after months of dead-end conversations that left me wondering what was so bad about kids that made him so resistant. Was it me? Were there deeper problems, like in our marriage, that I had no clue about? What was going on?? Here, none of the above. The poor guy just didn't want to have his boys cut.....again.
I found myself in a precarious position. I've always been able to talk my hubby into this or that, but no way could I or would I pressure him into going under the knife again. I'm spoiled, but I'm no monster. The thing is, I couldn't make him want to do anything he wasn't willing to do and he couldn't make me stop wanting to have a child. What a terrible crossroads to find ourselves at. It was a very sad and confusing time for both of us.
Two months went by and I found myself growing sadder and sadder. I had joy in my two sons. I genuinely loved being a homemaker. I liked having friends over and entertaining. I loved my husband, but felt a distance with him that I never had felt before. It was like I was mourning something I never even had. So, it came as a complete surprise to me on a February day before DS1 turned 8 and there was an epic amount of snow on the ground (26 inches, I think!) when DH re-opened the conversation about baby #3. Without saying a word, I listened to him pour his heart out on the subject and agree to see a urologist for a consultation. I just couldn't believe it. This was really happening. We were really taking our first steps here!
Two weeks later, we had our consultation. The urologist felt that DH was a good candidate for reversal and we were informed that our insurance would cover it all! That was such a blessing considering the procedure was more than $6000. We were asked to go home and discuss it more and call back for scheduling, which we did. I was just happy to be having a conversation with DH that didn't lead to trailed off sentences and blank stares. We were communicating, really communicating and it felt so, so good.
Surprisingly, and even DH would agree with this: the surgery went off without a hitch. He told me more than once that the recovery was easier for the reversal than the original vasectomy. He did great, returned to work within a week, and had zero complications. Only one question remained: Did it work?
Well, of course it did. The nurse from the urologists office happily told us there were "plenty of swimmers." It was officially time to get busy making a baby. :)
I found myself in a precarious position. I've always been able to talk my hubby into this or that, but no way could I or would I pressure him into going under the knife again. I'm spoiled, but I'm no monster. The thing is, I couldn't make him want to do anything he wasn't willing to do and he couldn't make me stop wanting to have a child. What a terrible crossroads to find ourselves at. It was a very sad and confusing time for both of us.
Two months went by and I found myself growing sadder and sadder. I had joy in my two sons. I genuinely loved being a homemaker. I liked having friends over and entertaining. I loved my husband, but felt a distance with him that I never had felt before. It was like I was mourning something I never even had. So, it came as a complete surprise to me on a February day before DS1 turned 8 and there was an epic amount of snow on the ground (26 inches, I think!) when DH re-opened the conversation about baby #3. Without saying a word, I listened to him pour his heart out on the subject and agree to see a urologist for a consultation. I just couldn't believe it. This was really happening. We were really taking our first steps here!
Two weeks later, we had our consultation. The urologist felt that DH was a good candidate for reversal and we were informed that our insurance would cover it all! That was such a blessing considering the procedure was more than $6000. We were asked to go home and discuss it more and call back for scheduling, which we did. I was just happy to be having a conversation with DH that didn't lead to trailed off sentences and blank stares. We were communicating, really communicating and it felt so, so good.
Surprisingly, and even DH would agree with this: the surgery went off without a hitch. He told me more than once that the recovery was easier for the reversal than the original vasectomy. He did great, returned to work within a week, and had zero complications. Only one question remained: Did it work?
Well, of course it did. The nurse from the urologists office happily told us there were "plenty of swimmers." It was officially time to get busy making a baby. :)
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Why Now? After All This Time Has Passed?
If you're reading this and you've glanced over to the right where it says "Time Line of Important Events," you're probably wondering why we went so far as to permanently make it so that we could no longer have children only to turn around and change our minds. It's a pretty natural thought progression that I have every intention of addressing. Quite simply, we made a mistake. Read on...
After we had DS2 and built our modest three bedroom home in Fayetteville, WV, we were feeling very settled and happy with our two boys. Birth control has always been an issue for us. I got pregnant while on one and had a long list of bad reactions to a handful of others. I knew deep down that I wouldn't take it. DH had always expressed his desire to get a vasectomy when we were done having children, seeing as how I worked so hard to bring them into this world. (He's a keeper girls.) We both felt it was time. Like I said before, we were settled, happy. So, we took the plunge and it felt good. It was November of 2006.
Fast forward to the early months of 2008 and we were thrown a curve ball of the epic variety. DH's job was transferred four hours north to Pittsburgh, PA. We didn't have to move. If he wanted to keep his job, however, we did. Employment is good when you have a family. In fact, it's necessary. Kids are 'spensive. So, we went. Loaded up our things, sold our first real home, and left for the big city. It was a very difficult and stressful time. Needless to say, it was a change we neither expected nor welcomed.
We mostly relied on our strong foundation of mutual love and respect for one another to get us through the initial adjustment period after we moved. That's a lie. We relied solely on our sense of humor. Thankfully, we were cut from the same mold when it comes to that aspect of our personalities. We laughed at the Steeler fans. We laughed at the Pitt fans. We laughed at anyone who thought that Pittsburgh was a great place to live. We laughed and laughed that first year. And laughed. And laughed. (Can you tell how much we wanted to be there??) Fortunately, we were closer to where our families lived in West Virginia by living in Pittsburgh, so we went home many weekends. That helped. As the first year came and went, however, I felt a shift in myself. One that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As summer faded into fall and all the leaves changed and subsequently fell to the ground, it became clearer to me what was going on.
My thoughts began to change. I daydreamed about when I was pregnant. I found myself walking past baby pictures of the boys and stopping and staring for a pregnant (pun intended) pause. My dreams were different, too. More times than I can count, I dreamed of baby. A child. In our home...ours. Deep down, I knew what had changed....my mind and my heart. I wanted another child. But, how in he world was I going to bring this up to DH?
To be continued...
After we had DS2 and built our modest three bedroom home in Fayetteville, WV, we were feeling very settled and happy with our two boys. Birth control has always been an issue for us. I got pregnant while on one and had a long list of bad reactions to a handful of others. I knew deep down that I wouldn't take it. DH had always expressed his desire to get a vasectomy when we were done having children, seeing as how I worked so hard to bring them into this world. (He's a keeper girls.) We both felt it was time. Like I said before, we were settled, happy. So, we took the plunge and it felt good. It was November of 2006.
Fast forward to the early months of 2008 and we were thrown a curve ball of the epic variety. DH's job was transferred four hours north to Pittsburgh, PA. We didn't have to move. If he wanted to keep his job, however, we did. Employment is good when you have a family. In fact, it's necessary. Kids are 'spensive. So, we went. Loaded up our things, sold our first real home, and left for the big city. It was a very difficult and stressful time. Needless to say, it was a change we neither expected nor welcomed.
We mostly relied on our strong foundation of mutual love and respect for one another to get us through the initial adjustment period after we moved. That's a lie. We relied solely on our sense of humor. Thankfully, we were cut from the same mold when it comes to that aspect of our personalities. We laughed at the Steeler fans. We laughed at the Pitt fans. We laughed at anyone who thought that Pittsburgh was a great place to live. We laughed and laughed that first year. And laughed. And laughed. (Can you tell how much we wanted to be there??) Fortunately, we were closer to where our families lived in West Virginia by living in Pittsburgh, so we went home many weekends. That helped. As the first year came and went, however, I felt a shift in myself. One that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As summer faded into fall and all the leaves changed and subsequently fell to the ground, it became clearer to me what was going on.
My thoughts began to change. I daydreamed about when I was pregnant. I found myself walking past baby pictures of the boys and stopping and staring for a pregnant (pun intended) pause. My dreams were different, too. More times than I can count, I dreamed of baby. A child. In our home...ours. Deep down, I knew what had changed....my mind and my heart. I wanted another child. But, how in he world was I going to bring this up to DH?
To be continued...
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."
The above quote by Arthur Helps never meant much to a girl like myself. Sure, I've always considered myself to be a strong individual, as life has a way of wearing you down and making you better than you were before by meeting and overcoming various trials. The thing is: life has been pretty good to me. I'm a happy person who has not experienced *too* much heartache, although I've had lots of interesting surprises. :)
I met my husband in early 2001 and we fell hard and fast for each other. We were married in July and our son, who I'll refer to as DS1, was born seven months later. A beautiful, healthy, Depo-Provera baby boy. A wonderful surprise.
Fast forward to 2005 and after a month of not trying and not preventing pregnancy, we happily found out that we were expecting our second son, DS2. Another surprise, but not so much. It was time to give DS1 a sibling and a little brother was a wonderful gift for him.
Pregnancy has always been an easy feat for DH and I. We were the ones who jokingly told people, "All DH had to do was walk past me and voila! I was pregnant." Ugh. Just knowing I was the type of person who used to say that sort of thing makes me want to defriend myself.
Which I suppose brings me to the point of why my fingers are moving across my keyboard right now, as well as why the above quote has a special meaning to me today. This blog is about us trying to have a baby. Actually trying. Planned out...perfectly. Except that it's not going perfectly. In fact, it's not really going at all. This is hard work. And it kind of sucks. Who knew? Not this girl.
A friend of mine has been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than me. A LOT longer. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself each failed cycle knowing that she's had five and a half times the failed cycles that I've had. Also, she's trying ttc baby number one. I already have two beautiful children. The reason I bring her up is because she finds blogging about ttc to be therapeutic. At this point, I could use an outlet. Most of the time, I feel sad and frustrated. It's also very lonely. I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help me to organize the feelings and thoughts that so often cloud my brain and keep me awake at night.
So, welcome to my blog! Whether you found it by chance or by invitation, I'm happy to have you along for this crazy ride. Hopefully, it's one that ends with me expanding my family by two feet. :)
I met my husband in early 2001 and we fell hard and fast for each other. We were married in July and our son, who I'll refer to as DS1, was born seven months later. A beautiful, healthy, Depo-Provera baby boy. A wonderful surprise.
Fast forward to 2005 and after a month of not trying and not preventing pregnancy, we happily found out that we were expecting our second son, DS2. Another surprise, but not so much. It was time to give DS1 a sibling and a little brother was a wonderful gift for him.
Pregnancy has always been an easy feat for DH and I. We were the ones who jokingly told people, "All DH had to do was walk past me and voila! I was pregnant." Ugh. Just knowing I was the type of person who used to say that sort of thing makes me want to defriend myself.
Which I suppose brings me to the point of why my fingers are moving across my keyboard right now, as well as why the above quote has a special meaning to me today. This blog is about us trying to have a baby. Actually trying. Planned out...perfectly. Except that it's not going perfectly. In fact, it's not really going at all. This is hard work. And it kind of sucks. Who knew? Not this girl.
A friend of mine has been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than me. A LOT longer. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself each failed cycle knowing that she's had five and a half times the failed cycles that I've had. Also, she's trying ttc baby number one. I already have two beautiful children. The reason I bring her up is because she finds blogging about ttc to be therapeutic. At this point, I could use an outlet. Most of the time, I feel sad and frustrated. It's also very lonely. I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help me to organize the feelings and thoughts that so often cloud my brain and keep me awake at night.
So, welcome to my blog! Whether you found it by chance or by invitation, I'm happy to have you along for this crazy ride. Hopefully, it's one that ends with me expanding my family by two feet. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)