This is Difficult

Bed rest is hard, yo.  I'm going to do what I need to keep these babies baking and myself healthy, but what an adjustment!

Yesterday, my first day on it, did not go so well.  Laying in bed, even propped up, gets painful.  My lower back hurt, my hips hurt.  By 6 pm, I was a mess - crying, with a splitting headache and frustrated that everyone around me was picking up the slack and not really doing a great job adjusting to their new roles, either.

DS2 acted out a lot.  He's not used to me being in bed.  He wanted to be near me. He wallowed all over me.  A couple of times I had to yell for DH to come in and remove him, which made him upset and he would cry and cry.  He cried A LOT yesterday.  My poor babe.

And my DH.  Where to start?  I guess by saying his work is being amazing about all of this.  We have no family here. Our family lives 1000 miles away.  We will need to hire help to come in and allow him to return to some sort of normalcy in his job, but in the meantime, it is just him being me.  And yesterday, he wasn't a very good me. I love him, but I need to vent about this, so bear with me.

At 1:00  I asked him for some lunch. I told him exactly what I wanted, beef tips and noodles.  Sounds more difficult than it really is, egg noodles cooked in beef broth (about >10 minutes to make) and the Hor.mel beef tips that you just pop in the microwave (3-4 minutes total).  By 4:15, all he had brought me in was a chicken tender from So.nic. ONE chicken tender. I had had nothing to drink and each time I asked one of the kids what Daddy was doing, they responded with, "Playing Fa.ble (a video game)".  Are you stinking kidding me? At 5:00, I got my food, my lunch. AT 5 PM!!!!!!!

He also barely spoke to me all day. I felt like such an outcast.  When I would yell for him, he would yell back, "What?!" like he didn't even want to come in the room. By 6:30, I felt so lonely, all I wanted to do was cry.  Fortunately, both my boys and my dog were at my side constantly to keep me company, although managing them around me all the time was kind of stressful.

I know that DH is stressed and he handles it in his own way.  He's nicknamed "The Duck" by his family - calm on the surface, paddle like hell underwater.  It's true. He internalizes everything.  I just can't help but feel like he's inadvertently punishing me in the process.

Ugh, I clearly have too much time to think.

You Gotta Pick and Choose Your Battles

So, I spent most of Monday evening just being generally annoyed that my OB never got back to me about my request for Zo.fran.  I went to bed nauseous, woke up nauseous and all morning Tuesday plotting how I would chew the nurses out for not getting back to me.  Thankful for common sense, I called the pharmacy just to make sure that there wasn't a prescription waiting for me.  Well, there was.  Since the day before. Oops.

I rushed off to pick it up and just couldn't wait to gobble it up and start feeling semi-human again.  I took my first dose immediately and six hours later, like clockwork, I took my second.  I was feeling great.  Until I wasn't feeling great. At all.

I woke up at 11:30 Tuesday night with a splitting headache. Like full-on migraine pain.  After I rolled back and forth on the bed holding my face in my hands for a good hour, I got up and staggered to the kitchen for a cup of tea. I figured a little caffeine would probably do the trick. Wrong. Three hours later, I was plotting driving myself to the ER.  You see, typically, when I have a migraine, at some point I puke.  That signals a turning point in the headache.  After puking, I always am able to go to sleep and when I wake up, I'm better.  Well, there would be no puking this time. You see, I was on Zo.fran and couldn't throw up. I wasn't even nauseated. Just had severe head/neck pain.  Anyway, at some point, I fell asleep.

I woke up to my DH saying goodbye as he was heading off to work and wondering why I was sleeping with a "towel on my face" (it was a washcloth).  He was completely unawares of the night I had.  When he left, I got up and went out to the kitchen, feeling a little better and eager to eat a little something even though my nausea was sneaking up on me again.  After I gagged down a piece of toast, I reached for my Zo.fran.  Before I could take the pill, I checked out the side of the bottle and there it was. Plain. As. Day.

"May Cause Headaches"

Well, eff that.

Awful Angry Ugly Rant

Disclaimer: I am completely belligerent and irrational today. I'm bitter and hateful and there is no pulling the reigns back on my emotions right now. This is not the me that I enjoy being. This is the me that this journey is making me right now. I could probably fight hard against these feelings, but I don't have the strength today. It is THURSDAY and I will feel how I need to feel.

I am so angry today. It's now been three weeks and this last week has dealt me more bad days than good. Now it's Thursday again and I woke up thinking, "Today, I WOULD'VE been eleven weeks pregnant."  Is it going to be like this every Thursday? Will I ever get to just enjoy one without wondering what could've should've been??  I just want to go back to bed until tomorrow, but I can't.

I've been so bitter of late. I've completely dropped off of my two week wait forums. I don't comment at all on my IVF forum anymore and the miscarriage forum that I joined with the other December 2011 mamas who lost their babies is moving right along without me which is probably for the best. They are all coping amazingly well with their losses and making plans to move forward and trying to get pregnant again. I am not dealing so well with my loss. I WISH I was. Believe me, it would be so much easier to just handle it and move on. While I feel like I'm handling it, the moving on is the hard part. Certainly DH and I could hope for an au naturale pregnancy, but those odds are not likely. In order to move forward in the TTC department, we would need to make plans, make appointments, make phone calls. So hilarious that making a baby is more about making phone calls than making love. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. And what's funnier...I am about as fertile as one could possibly be right now. Ask my good friend unaffected. She was lucky enough to get a picture of my CM yesterday, as it was the stretchiest and most it's ever been.  I was completely in awe of myself and my EWCM. Put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Facebook is full of pregnancy/birth announcements this week. Just another website I'll be ignoring for a bit. As if it isn't bad enough that I skip over belly pics, new baby pics, prenatal doctor's appointment updates, etc. I've also found myself raging against certain ALI blogs that I've come across. Yep, you read that right. I've been hating on fellow infertiles, people. A new low, indeed. For example, I found a blog through a blog that I follow and I was reading her "TTC Journey" and was feeling all sympathetic to her plight and everything.  She did all the IUIs and the Cl.omids and the Fe.mara cycles and then had to move on to IVF. My heart understands. It sympathizes. It really does.  So she does IVF and it works. She gets a baby out of it. So she wants another. I understand. It's an intrinsic desire, wanting to build on your family. So she does IVF again and it works. She's happily trucking through her second trimester. Awesome, right? Totally. I slammed my computer shut and thought to myself, "So you had to do IVF twice and it worked both times. Poor you. It must be soooooooo hard."

Yes, indeed. Who am I and where is the real me?? I hope she comes back soon because I have to go to Walmart in a bit and I'll certainly bust a cap in someone's ass if I have to go feeling like this.