Remembering Baby J

Today is a hard day.  It's my due date for the baby that I lost after my first IVF. 

I feel more than what I can/will write here, but I just wanted to say that although I am very thankful for the blessings headed my way in the spring, I will never be okay with the loss of Baby J.

So today, I am thinking about my angel baby gone too soon. 

A Rude Awakening

I had kind of a rude awakening this morning and I wanted to address it on here and put it out in the open. I woke up to a comment on my blog that was pretty rude and hurtful. It was a post I wrote four months ago when I was three weeks out from my miscarriage. It was a post that was full of emotion - anger, frustration and a sadness that I had never felt before. I use this blog to sort through these emotions and it is probably one of the few posts I have ever written that was 100% honest, despite the fact that what I said wasn't typical of me, which I clearly addressed in a disclaimer at the beginning of the post.

Basically, I was angry after reading another blog where a woman did her second IVF and was pregnant with her second baby. 2 IVFs = 2 babies for her. The whole point of me being upset was this: When you have to resort to IVF to get pregnant, it should work, guaranteed. Plain and simple. I did everything right and followed orders and walked away with nothing. I was hurting.

The comment, which I deleted, called me selfish and greedy for wanting more children after having two naturally and that I had no right to hate on anyone who does IVF and has success in it. I was encouraged to appreciate the children that I have and stop obsessing over having more.

I know that someone on TWW wrote that comment. (1) Nobody has ever stumbled across my blog on the internet and (2) the link to this blog is right at the bottom of every post I make on there. The nasty-grammer also admitted to having tried IVF several times without success.

So, I wanted to put it out there for whoever said this that the decision DH and I made to have more than two children is our decision and our business. There are more types of infertility than primary infertility. It is completely narrow-minded to think that just because we were given two children naturally and struggle to conceive our third, that we do not appreciate the ones that we have. Let me ask this: If we had to do ART to have our sons and were doing treatments again, would you think us greedy? Or is just because we were formally fertile that we are selfish??

I hate even bringing this up here and I apologize to you wonderful ladies who support me for having to read it, but I felt the need to defend myself especially when someone attacked what kind of mother I am to my boys.

Do any of us want to be in this position?? Don't we all want each IVF to result in a child and mean the end of the emotional roller coaster, the injections, the procedures, the appointments, the sleepless nights, the headaches, the fatigue, the night sweats, the arguing with our husbands, and the crying ourselves to sleep?!?!?

I hope that, like the other people who read that post and supported me when I was at my lowest, all who read this would understand and not sit in judgment of me and the words that I wrote when I was still reeling from losing my baby.

"Everybody's Got Plans....Until They Get Hit"

It's a rarity that I'll quote Mike Tyson, but how true are those words? It seems that everyone makes plans - it's a part of life - but no one plans on the "hit" that derails it all.  Well, our plan was to have a baby and complete our family. Part of the plan, although unplanned, was IVF. The hit was the miscarriage. Part of me is still reeling from it all. Part of me is hopeful enough to try again. Part of me never wants to risk it in case it ends the same way. All of me is too scared right now to make "those types" of plans.

So, here we find ourselves with no real plans to move forward in TTC. We won't even pretend that we're trying naturally. I know that within a few minutes of leaving DH's body all of his sperm clump together and die. And I've heard the, "It only takes one" line of reasoning. I don't subscribe to fantasy. I'll sooner be licked by a unicorn than conceive a baby the old-fashioned way.

So what can Aub do? Aub can get the hell out of Oklahoma for a while. Next week the boys, the dog, and your truly will travel 1000 miles over a period of two days back to West Virginia for the whole month of July. DH will join us mid-month and that's when we will make our way to the Big Island to celebrate ten wonderful years together. I can't believe it. Seems like just yesterday we were talking over dinner (a blind date!) and here we are.  Ten years, eight moves, two beautiful boys, millions of laughs, and thousands of tears later, our story reaches a milestone. I couldn't have picked a better person to share the novel of my life with. I am a lucky girl!

Those are our immediate plans. I cannot wait to get back to the place that refreshes and recharges me. I know it will be hard to see my family and the few friends of mine who knew about the baby; I am sure it will be grieved again. I cannot think of a better place, however, to move forward, move on, and find the strength and determination to keep fighting for what my heart has decided is already mine, than in the mountains of my home.

Welcome to the New Blog !!

This design may (or may not) stick. Now that I actually know how to do a design (template and header that is!) I may change it around some until it is just right, but the hearts are staying - one way or another. It feels good to have a change. New season, new blog, new me? Maybe!

I think I'm going to host a giveaway!  I knew not everyone would follow me to my new blog and I'm completely okay with it, but I think once I get to 25 "sweethearts" I'll shower you with appreciation via gifts.  This will take place very soon, within the next week. More details soon!

So, what's new? I've been a horrible blog follower of late. I promise to catch up!  As for me, I've been doing good. Experienced my first CD1 post-miscarriage on 6/2 and then I believe I turned around and ovulated the next week. No joke. I can feel AF coming again and I'm only on CD 20.  We really aren't even trying naturally right now. DH was out of town for my spontaneous ovulation. Instead, we are enjoying no-strings-attached bedroom shenanigans. I can't even tell you how nice it is to do it for the sake of doing it. I feel like I'm twenty.

In other news, and there's a lot of it, I am back to running and getting into shape! I've lost four pounds (whoop!) and am feeling really good physically. I have two solid running partners and all the support from my hubby that I could want. It's been great to focus on what I can do (run ten miles) as opposed to what I cannot do (conceive a baby naturally). Go me!

I have so much more to tell you all - lots of plans are shaping up for us - and Hawaii is in three weeks! I don't want to be all drawn out and blahbitty blah blah, though, so I'll save it for tomorrow.

I've missed this!!

Awful Angry Ugly Rant

Disclaimer: I am completely belligerent and irrational today. I'm bitter and hateful and there is no pulling the reigns back on my emotions right now. This is not the me that I enjoy being. This is the me that this journey is making me right now. I could probably fight hard against these feelings, but I don't have the strength today. It is THURSDAY and I will feel how I need to feel.

I am so angry today. It's now been three weeks and this last week has dealt me more bad days than good. Now it's Thursday again and I woke up thinking, "Today, I WOULD'VE been eleven weeks pregnant."  Is it going to be like this every Thursday? Will I ever get to just enjoy one without wondering what could've should've been??  I just want to go back to bed until tomorrow, but I can't.

I've been so bitter of late. I've completely dropped off of my two week wait forums. I don't comment at all on my IVF forum anymore and the miscarriage forum that I joined with the other December 2011 mamas who lost their babies is moving right along without me which is probably for the best. They are all coping amazingly well with their losses and making plans to move forward and trying to get pregnant again. I am not dealing so well with my loss. I WISH I was. Believe me, it would be so much easier to just handle it and move on. While I feel like I'm handling it, the moving on is the hard part. Certainly DH and I could hope for an au naturale pregnancy, but those odds are not likely. In order to move forward in the TTC department, we would need to make plans, make appointments, make phone calls. So hilarious that making a baby is more about making phone calls than making love. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. And what's funnier...I am about as fertile as one could possibly be right now. Ask my good friend unaffected. She was lucky enough to get a picture of my CM yesterday, as it was the stretchiest and most it's ever been.  I was completely in awe of myself and my EWCM. Put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Facebook is full of pregnancy/birth announcements this week. Just another website I'll be ignoring for a bit. As if it isn't bad enough that I skip over belly pics, new baby pics, prenatal doctor's appointment updates, etc. I've also found myself raging against certain ALI blogs that I've come across. Yep, you read that right. I've been hating on fellow infertiles, people. A new low, indeed. For example, I found a blog through a blog that I follow and I was reading her "TTC Journey" and was feeling all sympathetic to her plight and everything.  She did all the IUIs and the Cl.omids and the Fe.mara cycles and then had to move on to IVF. My heart understands. It sympathizes. It really does.  So she does IVF and it works. She gets a baby out of it. So she wants another. I understand. It's an intrinsic desire, wanting to build on your family. So she does IVF again and it works. She's happily trucking through her second trimester. Awesome, right? Totally. I slammed my computer shut and thought to myself, "So you had to do IVF twice and it worked both times. Poor you. It must be soooooooo hard."

Yes, indeed. Who am I and where is the real me?? I hope she comes back soon because I have to go to Walmart in a bit and I'll certainly bust a cap in someone's ass if I have to go feeling like this.

Good News Will Work Its Way To All Them Plans.

I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.

The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere.  I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on.  I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday.  I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too.  I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things.  So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward.  I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.

I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be).  While deciding if we will cycle again.  So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.

1.) Exercise.  I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily.  For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise!  It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air.  So amazing to be back out there and be active again!

2.) Travel.  Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August.  While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman.  We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn).  That's at the end of August.  Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break.  Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!

3.)  Change.  I am working a lot on me.  I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost.  Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise.  Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying.  It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now.  I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.

That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1.  If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way.  If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings.  I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress.  I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like.  I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!

And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:

...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...

Le Sigh

I hate Thursdays.

For the record, I realize it's Wednesday, but I hate Thursdays and Thursday is tomorrow and I probably won't blog tomorrow, so I'll just say it now - I hate Thursdays.

You see, each Thursday I would have turned another week pregnant. This week's Thursday, also known as "tomorrow", I would have been ten weeks pregnant. Two weeks from proclaiming to the world that we are were happily expecting. Now each passing Thursday propels me one week closer to an unfulfilled due date. Figures. Stupid Thursday. Not cool enough to be "hump day" and not fun enough to be celebrated as the day ushering in the weekend.

There is a whole Facebook page dedicated to the hatred of Thursdays. I will most likely be joining it.

Ten Days of Company and Looking Ahead

I am not dead :)

Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days.  We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues.  It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.

On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE.  It was more of a sit down and discuss.  He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again.  Hooray for some type of normalcy!  We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors.  First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage.  He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September.  We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC.  There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.

Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...

Grief

I don't want to let another day pass without at least telling you all that, physically, I am okay.  The D&C went as expected and I am no longer pregnant.

I am no longer pregnant.

My baby is dead. Gone. Never going to be born. Never going to be loved and looked after and cared for and cherished.

I am in a pretty fucking dark place right now.  There is nothing to satisfy the emptiness I feel.

I just want my baby back.

Confirmation (Updated)

There was no heartbeat today at my ultrasound.

My clinic is going to schedule a D&C this week.

**My D&C is this Wednesday, April 27th. I am so thankful they are getting me in so soon.**