I had kind of a rude awakening this morning and I wanted to address it on here and put it out in the open. I woke up to a comment on my blog that was pretty rude and hurtful. It was a post I wrote four months ago when I was three weeks out from my miscarriage. It was a post that was full of emotion - anger, frustration and a sadness that I had never felt before. I use this blog to sort through these emotions and it is probably one of the few posts I have ever written that was 100% honest, despite the fact that what I said wasn't typical of me, which I clearly addressed in a disclaimer at the beginning of the post.
Basically, I was angry after reading another blog where a woman did her second IVF and was pregnant with her second baby. 2 IVFs = 2 babies for her. The whole point of me being upset was this: When you have to resort to IVF to get pregnant, it should work, guaranteed. Plain and simple. I did everything right and followed orders and walked away with nothing. I was hurting.
The comment, which I deleted, called me selfish and greedy for wanting more children after having two naturally and that I had no right to hate on anyone who does IVF and has success in it. I was encouraged to appreciate the children that I have and stop obsessing over having more.
I know that someone on TWW wrote that comment. (1) Nobody has ever stumbled across my blog on the internet and (2) the link to this blog is right at the bottom of every post I make on there. The nasty-grammer also admitted to having tried IVF several times without success.
So, I wanted to put it out there for whoever said this that the decision DH and I made to have more than two children is our decision and our business. There are more types of infertility than primary infertility. It is completely narrow-minded to think that just because we were given two children naturally and struggle to conceive our third, that we do not appreciate the ones that we have. Let me ask this: If we had to do ART to have our sons and were doing treatments again, would you think us greedy? Or is just because we were formally fertile that we are selfish??
I hate even bringing this up here and I apologize to you wonderful ladies who support me for having to read it, but I felt the need to defend myself especially when someone attacked what kind of mother I am to my boys.
Do any of us want to be in this position?? Don't we all want each IVF to result in a child and mean the end of the emotional roller coaster, the injections, the procedures, the appointments, the sleepless nights, the headaches, the fatigue, the night sweats, the arguing with our husbands, and the crying ourselves to sleep?!?!?
I hope that, like the other people who read that post and supported me when I was at my lowest, all who read this would understand and not sit in judgment of me and the words that I wrote when I was still reeling from losing my baby.
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You are completely right. Although I don't have any kids yet, even if I finally get a take-home baby I still want mote than one. I'm sorry that was said to you. We fellow IVFers don't need anything else added to our plate. Things are hard enough without comments like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you had to deal with this. It makes me sad to think that someone would say those things to you, especially someone who has gone through infertility themselves. I have a friend who never had to have treatment for infertility, but took a year to get pregnant with her second baby, and she understands exactly the feelings that we all have. It isn't the treatments, or the diagnosis, or the outcome that makes us a community, it's the desire. We all desire to add to our families, however big or small they may already be, and to not be able to do that, when and how we choose, is heartbreaking. You have no reason to apologize for the thoughts and emotions that you shared here at that time, or at any time. If this person had such a problem with them, then they should find another blog to read. In other words, you're awesome, don't change a thing :)
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult enough to go through infertility and loss without random people making crappy comments and assumptions... I'm sorry. This is your place to let it and you should be - are - free to say whatever you feel. I can only think that person was coming from a place of pain and for some reason took it out on you... Keep on saying whatever you need to say.
ReplyDeleteI just went back and re-read that post. It was brutally honest, which I have no problem with. Going through IF often makes us into someone we don't recognize or want to be. We become jealous of other women for the most insane reasons. You were sharing that side of IF and miscarriage with us, and I appreciate your honesty. There was an article I read recently (and posted on my blog) which had a woman going through IF in it who had actually been jealous of women who had been through miscarriages, just because they had been able to get pregnant. She of course realized how crazy it was to be jealous of them, but it was an honest feeling no matter how ugly it may have been. IF isn't pretty, and it isn't for the faint of heart. I will admit to being jealous of you for already having children, as I am of all women who already have children. I don't judge you for wanting more though. Obviously you love your children very much - if you didn't love them and appreciate them, why would you want more?
ReplyDeleteIn short (which that was not, lol) I'm trying to say I appreciate your honesty and support you for it! Keep on keepin' on!
You tell em!! I had so many people tell me to just be happy with ds, I am happy with him but why should we be limited on how many children we want? It doesnt mean we love the ones we have any less!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she was venting similarly to what you did except she did it in a total inappropriate way and in doing so made herself look incredibly hypocritical. Sometimes this process brings out the bitterness in us and the way you handled your was the RIGHT way by not commenting on the other womans blog but by venting on your own personal blog. I'm sure she felt ashamed later. Sad :( I've been following your story and am very happy for you and your TWINS! :)
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