I have been vacant this week, but for good reasons, nothing bad.
DH was out of town for work and I had a friend come visit me to keep me company, keep me sane, and (to be honest) help me the heck out. The days of DH being gone and me just "handling it" are o-v-e-r. I'm too big, too tired, and too big and tired to go it alone.
So, my wonderful friend K, came all the way from Y-town, Ohio to spend a few days, share a bunch of laughs, and make a freezer full of meals to keep us going on days when it's all just too much. This is incredibly kind of her, as she works a job where when she does not work, she does not get paid. Also, she is struggling with IF herself, and will be going down the path of donor eggs starting this summer. I know it was not easy for her to be here, but we talked a lot about it and she knows I am there for her no matter what. She, in turn, is there for me - no matter what. Our friendship is one of my longest and dearest.
I did go to the OB on Monday, all is well and next visit is my glucose test - blech.
I also saw my specialist for my monthly u/s and the boys are growing great. Almost two pounds each! Back for another u/s in four weeks with him.
Also, I am STILL participating in Scrambled Eggs' March photo challenge. You would be surprised how excited I am to capture each day's photo when you compare it with how much I loathe uploading pictures. I have a post with all pics forthcoming!!
Signing off, I had my maternity pictures done last week and although the proofs will not be ready for another week, my photographer posted a "teaser" photo on her blog and I thought I would share it. For anyone who wants to see it, just click this link!
Showing posts with label DH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DH. Show all posts
Friday, March 9, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Staying Put
Wow, first and foremost thank you all so much for the kind thoughts and prayers for me and my boys. Emily and Unaffected, I appreciate all the troops you rallied up to support me. I don't know what else to say, but thanks!
I really wanted to update sooner, but have been resting and catching up on my eating today. Yesterday was very long and scary. All I ate was cereal at breakfast, so today I've been feeding these babies, who are happily still growing in my "ute" (as Emily would say)!
Okay, so yesterday morning, I woke up feeling like crap. The night before, we had gone to an NBA game and we didn't get in until late. I had to get up early with my DSs and get them ready for school. I attributed the late night before to my low backache and on and off cramping. I sat for most of the morning and drank water, hoping they would subside. In a two hour time period, I timed 21 contractions. All with accompanying low back pain. I knew I had to call my doc. On my way to the phone, I stopped in the bathroom to pee. When I wiped, there was a big bloody glob of mucous on the tp (sorry for the TMI). I wiped again and there was blood. I stayed calm, but pretty much decided then and there that I was in labor. I've never had back labor before, but I thought maybe that's what was going on. I called my OB and they told me to go straight to labor and delivery.
When I got there, I got hooked up and was contracting about 5 minutes apart. The babies looked great. Strong heartbeats (132 &150) but we had to get the contractions stopped and quickly. My doc didn't want to stir anything up by checking my cervix manually, so they brought an u/s machine in and measured it/looked at it abdominally. Long and closed, thank god!
They didn't want to jump straight to mag sulfate, so they gave me a shot in the back of my arm (some sort of muscle relaxer) to calm my uterus. It didn't work. Just made me shaky and hyper and my heart race. An hour later, I was begging for the mag, anything to stop the contractions and keep my babies safe. The gave me a shot of dem.erol and phener.gan. I was still in pain and contracting regularly, but was loopy and cared less about the pain, the medicine was just making me foggy and out of touch with reality. It was awful. I hated not feeling like I was in control, not feeling like I could advocate for myself and my babies like I should have been able to.
During that time, they tested my urine and saw that it contained elevated white cells. Couple that with the back pain and they decided the pain was coming from the kidneys, not back labor. They did an u/s on my kidneys and it came back negative. I was so frustrated thinking that we were back to square one and I was in labor. My doc disagreed, though. He said that a lot of times, in the early stages or with small stones, they aren't easily detected on an u/s. Sometimes, you have to take the "wait and see" approach. He ordered another shot of dem.erol and phener.gan and this one knocked me out. For like three hours. When I woke up, I had an IV in my left arm and was already on my second bag of fluids. DH informed me that the contractions had pretty much stopped and that I was only having maybe one or two an hour. I had to pee, but they made me go in a strainer to see if I passed anything. I didn't, but it was painful and only came out in a small stream. Ouch.
They decided that the contractions were just my uterus reacting to me being in pain from my kidneys. Once we got the pain under control, the contractions stopped. My doc said the ONLY reason my cervix stayed nice and closed was because Baby A was no longer head down, but had flipped transverse and was pretty high up. (Good boy, babe!!) Had he been head down, I would have been effacing and dilating. We were so relieved to get this news!
They traced heartbeats and contractions for another hour and then I was allowed to go home. I got a third dose of pain meds/anti-nausea and came home and passed out. I have to pee in a strainer to see if I pass anything. If I do pass something, they want me to bring it in and have it tested to see what it is I need to stay away from the rest of the pregnancy, food-wise.
Today, I am just trying to stay on top of the pain and rest. It is uncomfortable to pee, so I'm hoping I will pass something soon.
As for the mucous plug, I took it to the hospital with me in a zip.loc bag and my doc said it was a good thing I came in when I did. He thinks that the plug will replenish itself. We just need to keep a close eye on my cervix at all my appts from here on out.
Well, that was a book. Sorry to keep you all waiting for an update. So thankful that these babies are still with me and baking!!
Thanks again for all the blog love! And to my new followers, I will follow you back!
I really wanted to update sooner, but have been resting and catching up on my eating today. Yesterday was very long and scary. All I ate was cereal at breakfast, so today I've been feeding these babies, who are happily still growing in my "ute" (as Emily would say)!
Okay, so yesterday morning, I woke up feeling like crap. The night before, we had gone to an NBA game and we didn't get in until late. I had to get up early with my DSs and get them ready for school. I attributed the late night before to my low backache and on and off cramping. I sat for most of the morning and drank water, hoping they would subside. In a two hour time period, I timed 21 contractions. All with accompanying low back pain. I knew I had to call my doc. On my way to the phone, I stopped in the bathroom to pee. When I wiped, there was a big bloody glob of mucous on the tp (sorry for the TMI). I wiped again and there was blood. I stayed calm, but pretty much decided then and there that I was in labor. I've never had back labor before, but I thought maybe that's what was going on. I called my OB and they told me to go straight to labor and delivery.
When I got there, I got hooked up and was contracting about 5 minutes apart. The babies looked great. Strong heartbeats (132 &150) but we had to get the contractions stopped and quickly. My doc didn't want to stir anything up by checking my cervix manually, so they brought an u/s machine in and measured it/looked at it abdominally. Long and closed, thank god!
They didn't want to jump straight to mag sulfate, so they gave me a shot in the back of my arm (some sort of muscle relaxer) to calm my uterus. It didn't work. Just made me shaky and hyper and my heart race. An hour later, I was begging for the mag, anything to stop the contractions and keep my babies safe. The gave me a shot of dem.erol and phener.gan. I was still in pain and contracting regularly, but was loopy and cared less about the pain, the medicine was just making me foggy and out of touch with reality. It was awful. I hated not feeling like I was in control, not feeling like I could advocate for myself and my babies like I should have been able to.
During that time, they tested my urine and saw that it contained elevated white cells. Couple that with the back pain and they decided the pain was coming from the kidneys, not back labor. They did an u/s on my kidneys and it came back negative. I was so frustrated thinking that we were back to square one and I was in labor. My doc disagreed, though. He said that a lot of times, in the early stages or with small stones, they aren't easily detected on an u/s. Sometimes, you have to take the "wait and see" approach. He ordered another shot of dem.erol and phener.gan and this one knocked me out. For like three hours. When I woke up, I had an IV in my left arm and was already on my second bag of fluids. DH informed me that the contractions had pretty much stopped and that I was only having maybe one or two an hour. I had to pee, but they made me go in a strainer to see if I passed anything. I didn't, but it was painful and only came out in a small stream. Ouch.
They decided that the contractions were just my uterus reacting to me being in pain from my kidneys. Once we got the pain under control, the contractions stopped. My doc said the ONLY reason my cervix stayed nice and closed was because Baby A was no longer head down, but had flipped transverse and was pretty high up. (Good boy, babe!!) Had he been head down, I would have been effacing and dilating. We were so relieved to get this news!
They traced heartbeats and contractions for another hour and then I was allowed to go home. I got a third dose of pain meds/anti-nausea and came home and passed out. I have to pee in a strainer to see if I pass anything. If I do pass something, they want me to bring it in and have it tested to see what it is I need to stay away from the rest of the pregnancy, food-wise.
Today, I am just trying to stay on top of the pain and rest. It is uncomfortable to pee, so I'm hoping I will pass something soon.
As for the mucous plug, I took it to the hospital with me in a zip.loc bag and my doc said it was a good thing I came in when I did. He thinks that the plug will replenish itself. We just need to keep a close eye on my cervix at all my appts from here on out.
Well, that was a book. Sorry to keep you all waiting for an update. So thankful that these babies are still with me and baking!!
Thanks again for all the blog love! And to my new followers, I will follow you back!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Of All the Things I've Lost....I Miss My Mind the Most
This head cold/sinus infection has led to brain rot.
I can't really function all that well...or make a burrito for that matter. Sorry if this post makes less than good sense.
Sleep has eluded me for three nights now. I walk around all day like a zombie, but when it comes time for bed, I am wide awake. Not like wide awake and functioning. Mainly just sitting and staring. With wide eyes. Like a deer caught in the headlights. (Except that no 18-wheeler subsequently blasts me into oblivion.)
I tried to help DH make burritos last night. Yes, I said "tried". The first one went so-so, but the second one stopped cooperating (like it had a mind of its own) and I ended up kind of sort of throwing it across the kitchen. Yeah. That happened. The dog was in h-e-a-v-e-n, but DH was not impressed. In fact, he put me in time-out. Yeah. That happened, too.
I just hope the cold/sinus infection and all of its lovely side effects leave me....and soon. I think I've been given a glimpse of what it is like to be a man.
And it is very, very bad.
I can't really function all that well...or make a burrito for that matter. Sorry if this post makes less than good sense.
Sleep has eluded me for three nights now. I walk around all day like a zombie, but when it comes time for bed, I am wide awake. Not like wide awake and functioning. Mainly just sitting and staring. With wide eyes. Like a deer caught in the headlights. (Except that no 18-wheeler subsequently blasts me into oblivion.)
I tried to help DH make burritos last night. Yes, I said "tried". The first one went so-so, but the second one stopped cooperating (like it had a mind of its own) and I ended up kind of sort of throwing it across the kitchen. Yeah. That happened. The dog was in h-e-a-v-e-n, but DH was not impressed. In fact, he put me in time-out. Yeah. That happened, too.
I just hope the cold/sinus infection and all of its lovely side effects leave me....and soon. I think I've been given a glimpse of what it is like to be a man.
And it is very, very bad.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Back in Bed
I started bleeding again last night and it was heavy. By the time I went to bed, I was passing small clots. I wasn't in any pain, nor was I contracting, but it was the worst it's been. I called first thing this morning and went in for an u/s.
The placenta is moving on up, as it should. It is definitely correcting itself. The bleeding is just a nasty side effect of it all.
My cervix is great. Long and closed - over 4 cm!
Baby boys are looking good, too. Little faces looking at each other with little hands up to their faces like they were sharing secrets. Very sweet.
I am on bedrest until my followup on Monday. I hope everything looks good then. DH will be on a plane to Houston that morning and the boys and I will be on our own for a few days.
The placenta is moving on up, as it should. It is definitely correcting itself. The bleeding is just a nasty side effect of it all.
My cervix is great. Long and closed - over 4 cm!
Baby boys are looking good, too. Little faces looking at each other with little hands up to their faces like they were sharing secrets. Very sweet.
I am on bedrest until my followup on Monday. I hope everything looks good then. DH will be on a plane to Houston that morning and the boys and I will be on our own for a few days.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
This is Difficult
Bed rest is hard, yo. I'm going to do what I need to keep these babies baking and myself healthy, but what an adjustment!
Yesterday, my first day on it, did not go so well. Laying in bed, even propped up, gets painful. My lower back hurt, my hips hurt. By 6 pm, I was a mess - crying, with a splitting headache and frustrated that everyone around me was picking up the slack and not really doing a great job adjusting to their new roles, either.
DS2 acted out a lot. He's not used to me being in bed. He wanted to be near me. He wallowed all over me. A couple of times I had to yell for DH to come in and remove him, which made him upset and he would cry and cry. He cried A LOT yesterday. My poor babe.
And my DH. Where to start? I guess by saying his work is being amazing about all of this. We have no family here. Our family lives 1000 miles away. We will need to hire help to come in and allow him to return to some sort of normalcy in his job, but in the meantime, it is just him being me. And yesterday, he wasn't a very good me. I love him, but I need to vent about this, so bear with me.
At 1:00 I asked him for some lunch. I told him exactly what I wanted, beef tips and noodles. Sounds more difficult than it really is, egg noodles cooked in beef broth (about >10 minutes to make) and the Hor.mel beef tips that you just pop in the microwave (3-4 minutes total). By 4:15, all he had brought me in was a chicken tender from So.nic. ONE chicken tender. I had had nothing to drink and each time I asked one of the kids what Daddy was doing, they responded with, "Playing Fa.ble (a video game)". Are you stinking kidding me? At 5:00, I got my food, my lunch. AT 5 PM!!!!!!!
He also barely spoke to me all day. I felt like such an outcast. When I would yell for him, he would yell back, "What?!" like he didn't even want to come in the room. By 6:30, I felt so lonely, all I wanted to do was cry. Fortunately, both my boys and my dog were at my side constantly to keep me company, although managing them around me all the time was kind of stressful.
I know that DH is stressed and he handles it in his own way. He's nicknamed "The Duck" by his family - calm on the surface, paddle like hell underwater. It's true. He internalizes everything. I just can't help but feel like he's inadvertently punishing me in the process.
Ugh, I clearly have too much time to think.
Yesterday, my first day on it, did not go so well. Laying in bed, even propped up, gets painful. My lower back hurt, my hips hurt. By 6 pm, I was a mess - crying, with a splitting headache and frustrated that everyone around me was picking up the slack and not really doing a great job adjusting to their new roles, either.
DS2 acted out a lot. He's not used to me being in bed. He wanted to be near me. He wallowed all over me. A couple of times I had to yell for DH to come in and remove him, which made him upset and he would cry and cry. He cried A LOT yesterday. My poor babe.
And my DH. Where to start? I guess by saying his work is being amazing about all of this. We have no family here. Our family lives 1000 miles away. We will need to hire help to come in and allow him to return to some sort of normalcy in his job, but in the meantime, it is just him being me. And yesterday, he wasn't a very good me. I love him, but I need to vent about this, so bear with me.
At 1:00 I asked him for some lunch. I told him exactly what I wanted, beef tips and noodles. Sounds more difficult than it really is, egg noodles cooked in beef broth (about >10 minutes to make) and the Hor.mel beef tips that you just pop in the microwave (3-4 minutes total). By 4:15, all he had brought me in was a chicken tender from So.nic. ONE chicken tender. I had had nothing to drink and each time I asked one of the kids what Daddy was doing, they responded with, "Playing Fa.ble (a video game)". Are you stinking kidding me? At 5:00, I got my food, my lunch. AT 5 PM!!!!!!!
He also barely spoke to me all day. I felt like such an outcast. When I would yell for him, he would yell back, "What?!" like he didn't even want to come in the room. By 6:30, I felt so lonely, all I wanted to do was cry. Fortunately, both my boys and my dog were at my side constantly to keep me company, although managing them around me all the time was kind of stressful.
I know that DH is stressed and he handles it in his own way. He's nicknamed "The Duck" by his family - calm on the surface, paddle like hell underwater. It's true. He internalizes everything. I just can't help but feel like he's inadvertently punishing me in the process.
Ugh, I clearly have too much time to think.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
NT Scan Perfection, A Gender, A Name and A Belly Pic
We had our NT scan on Thursday and at 13w4d, I was on the cusp of being too far along to perform the ultrasound and get accurate measurements. I was excited to get to see the babes again and even more excited to get an abdominal ultrasound as opposed to a wanding.
The tech who performed the ultrasound took her time with measuring everything and DH and I were just so excited to see the babies looking so much like babies! They were moving much more fluidly than last time and one was even rubbing their little face with their hands. Eeek, I can't wait to be the one rubbing those little cheeks and kissing them! As a tech, she wouldn't say anything about gender, which was disappointing and I made a mental note to ask the doctor if he would. I caught a glimpse of each NT measurement and both were well under the 3mm mark (1.8 and 2.1, I believe.) We waited a bit for the doctor to come in and he went about going over all the tech's measurements albeit a little more quickly than the tech. He explained the risks of a multiple pregnancy, told me I had my age and physical fitness on my side for carrying these babies to term, my cervix was 4.72 cm, which was great and overall just made me feel very capable of this pregnancy, which was appreciated. I asked him if he could tell what sex the babies were and he said he wouldn't guess unless he got a good look. Baby A wasn't cooperating at all, but Baby B wasn't shy and looks like a ___! Overall, it was a great appointment and I am thankful that the babes are growing on track and looking good with no markers for any issues thus far. Here's some pics of the babes from the scan:
Baby A (the shy one):
Baby B (not the shy one):
We have already decided on a name for Baby B and we will be sharing its sex and name as soon as we find out what sex Baby A is. Our gender ultrasound is on January 5! Stay tuned!
And last, but not least, a belly pic, me and the littles at 13w6d:
Safe Holidays to all - we are leaving for WV tomorrow and will return on 1/2. I may try to do a post from home, but it's going to be crazy busy, so no promises. :)
The tech who performed the ultrasound took her time with measuring everything and DH and I were just so excited to see the babies looking so much like babies! They were moving much more fluidly than last time and one was even rubbing their little face with their hands. Eeek, I can't wait to be the one rubbing those little cheeks and kissing them! As a tech, she wouldn't say anything about gender, which was disappointing and I made a mental note to ask the doctor if he would. I caught a glimpse of each NT measurement and both were well under the 3mm mark (1.8 and 2.1, I believe.) We waited a bit for the doctor to come in and he went about going over all the tech's measurements albeit a little more quickly than the tech. He explained the risks of a multiple pregnancy, told me I had my age and physical fitness on my side for carrying these babies to term, my cervix was 4.72 cm, which was great and overall just made me feel very capable of this pregnancy, which was appreciated. I asked him if he could tell what sex the babies were and he said he wouldn't guess unless he got a good look. Baby A wasn't cooperating at all, but Baby B wasn't shy and looks like a ___! Overall, it was a great appointment and I am thankful that the babes are growing on track and looking good with no markers for any issues thus far. Here's some pics of the babes from the scan:
Baby A (the shy one):
Baby B (not the shy one):
We have already decided on a name for Baby B and we will be sharing its sex and name as soon as we find out what sex Baby A is. Our gender ultrasound is on January 5! Stay tuned!
And last, but not least, a belly pic, me and the littles at 13w6d:
Safe Holidays to all - we are leaving for WV tomorrow and will return on 1/2. I may try to do a post from home, but it's going to be crazy busy, so no promises. :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
12 Weeks
I thought I would do a pregnancy post update. You know, how big is baby? How big is uterus? How big is Mommy's butt? So, if you aren't interested, I understand. If you are, please read on.
What's going on with Larry and Balki? Umm, their fingers and toes wiggle. They are peeing in their sacs. They are practicing swallowing. (Which makes the previous statement a lot grosser.) Their little brains are producing testosterone/estrogen. They are as big as large plums and weigh 1/2 ounce.
What's going on with the Mothership? I am finally getting a handle on my nausea, thanks to uni.som and vitamin B6 (thank you, Emily!!) I am trying to get used to eating smaller portions, as I am well aware of the heartburn that is about to replace the nausea very soon. I'm tired all the time. My boobies are huge and they hurt and they are covered in fantastic blue veins. I have a hard time going "two". Hard being the operative word there - ouch! Hmmmm, sex? No, thank you.
Highlights of the previous week: I am able to find the babies' heartbeats easily on my home doppler. I like having that reassurance between appointments. I also made my u/s appointment to see what the babies are for January 5th!! That's so soon! Off topic, but still noteworthy, we took our boys to San Antonio this past weekend and enjoyed a day at Sea World and just being away for a few days. DS2 got to be a part of the Shamu show and it was so precious! DH and I were on the "Kiss Cam" before the show started and he opted to point to his WVU hat the whole time, while I looked up at us on the screen, looked back down, and continued texting. Ooh, we bought a house, too! Very excited about that and hoping to move in the middle of next month!! That's about it. Sorry if I bored you to tears!
Hope you are all well!!
What's going on with Larry and Balki? Umm, their fingers and toes wiggle. They are peeing in their sacs. They are practicing swallowing. (Which makes the previous statement a lot grosser.) Their little brains are producing testosterone/estrogen. They are as big as large plums and weigh 1/2 ounce.
What's going on with the Mothership? I am finally getting a handle on my nausea, thanks to uni.som and vitamin B6 (thank you, Emily!!) I am trying to get used to eating smaller portions, as I am well aware of the heartburn that is about to replace the nausea very soon. I'm tired all the time. My boobies are huge and they hurt and they are covered in fantastic blue veins. I have a hard time going "two". Hard being the operative word there - ouch! Hmmmm, sex? No, thank you.
Highlights of the previous week: I am able to find the babies' heartbeats easily on my home doppler. I like having that reassurance between appointments. I also made my u/s appointment to see what the babies are for January 5th!! That's so soon! Off topic, but still noteworthy, we took our boys to San Antonio this past weekend and enjoyed a day at Sea World and just being away for a few days. DS2 got to be a part of the Shamu show and it was so precious! DH and I were on the "Kiss Cam" before the show started and he opted to point to his WVU hat the whole time, while I looked up at us on the screen, looked back down, and continued texting. Ooh, we bought a house, too! Very excited about that and hoping to move in the middle of next month!! That's about it. Sorry if I bored you to tears!
Hope you are all well!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
PUPO With........
So, there was debate about how many embryos we would transfer yesterday. I was told by the embryologist that if we had two good-looking blasts, it would be a hard sell to get Dr. Awesome RE to transfer more than two. If everything looked "average" he would probably be agreeable to it and transfer three to "up" our chances of a successful cycle.
We arrived at the fertility clinic and I was nervous that no transfer would be taking place. You know, the fear that sets in over hearing, "So sorry...there were no viable embryos this morning when we looked at them." DH kept saying, "Relax! This is the easy part." In the grand scheme of things, he is right, although none of this shit is easy, let's just be honest. Transfer is easier than retrieval and beats the hell out of an intramuscular progesterone shot, so I opted out of arguing the matter of IVF being difficult in general with the man.
We were escorted immediately back into a holding area and were told that Dr. Awesome RE was going to be in shortly to discuss the transfer and quality of the embryos and whatnot. Almost on cue, there he was. We were told that we had two good looking embryos to transfer. He spoke briefly about his recommendation of transferring only two. He assured us that quality was not an issue with our embabies. He then stated that he would be agreeable to three, but wanted us to know what we would possibly be getting ourselves into. He proceeded to talk about prematurity in multiples, possible time in the NICU, developmental delay, etc. Did he think that it would for sure happen if we transferred three? No. Was it his responsibility to warn us? Yes. He then left us alone with the embryologist to discuss any questions we had as we made our decision.
Me: Are the two ready for transfer blasts?
Deidra: Yes.
Me: How do they look? Be honest.
Deidra: They look really good.
Me: If we did three, is the third one a blast?
Deidra: You have a third blast, but I'm not liking it as much as a cavitating morula you have. It looks really good and would probably be the third. (Note: A morula is the stage before blastocyst. A "cavitating" morula is a half step closer to blastocyst.)
Me: Is it looking like we will have any left over to freeze if we only do two?
Deidra: At this point, I would say, don't count on it. (Note: The grading system at our fertility clinic is VERY strict. Especially when being graded for freezing.)
She then left us alone and DH and I had a private conversation that I won't divulge on my blog. I undressed from the waist down and covered back up on the bed. When Dr. Awesome RE came in to wheel me into the transfer room, he asked if we reached a decision. I said nothing, but held up my fingers:
We arrived at the fertility clinic and I was nervous that no transfer would be taking place. You know, the fear that sets in over hearing, "So sorry...there were no viable embryos this morning when we looked at them." DH kept saying, "Relax! This is the easy part." In the grand scheme of things, he is right, although none of this shit is easy, let's just be honest. Transfer is easier than retrieval and beats the hell out of an intramuscular progesterone shot, so I opted out of arguing the matter of IVF being difficult in general with the man.
We were escorted immediately back into a holding area and were told that Dr. Awesome RE was going to be in shortly to discuss the transfer and quality of the embryos and whatnot. Almost on cue, there he was. We were told that we had two good looking embryos to transfer. He spoke briefly about his recommendation of transferring only two. He assured us that quality was not an issue with our embabies. He then stated that he would be agreeable to three, but wanted us to know what we would possibly be getting ourselves into. He proceeded to talk about prematurity in multiples, possible time in the NICU, developmental delay, etc. Did he think that it would for sure happen if we transferred three? No. Was it his responsibility to warn us? Yes. He then left us alone with the embryologist to discuss any questions we had as we made our decision.
Me: Are the two ready for transfer blasts?
Deidra: Yes.
Me: How do they look? Be honest.
Deidra: They look really good.
Me: If we did three, is the third one a blast?
Deidra: You have a third blast, but I'm not liking it as much as a cavitating morula you have. It looks really good and would probably be the third. (Note: A morula is the stage before blastocyst. A "cavitating" morula is a half step closer to blastocyst.)
Me: Is it looking like we will have any left over to freeze if we only do two?
Deidra: At this point, I would say, don't count on it. (Note: The grading system at our fertility clinic is VERY strict. Especially when being graded for freezing.)
She then left us alone and DH and I had a private conversation that I won't divulge on my blog. I undressed from the waist down and covered back up on the bed. When Dr. Awesome RE came in to wheel me into the transfer room, he asked if we reached a decision. I said nothing, but held up my fingers:
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
U/S and E2 -Take One!
Yesterday I had my first "follie check" and blood draw for estrogen level. During my wanding, Dr. Awesome RE and I talked football. I think that maybe a few years ago, I would feel it weird to talk football while being wanded by a middle-aged male, but I digress. Things have changed, apparently.
During my wanding, I was told that I'm responding "well" and "quickly". I had seven follicles in my right ovary measuring 9.8 to 12.4. My left one came in at a disappointing three follicles, 7.0 to 11.2. My lining was right on track at 6.7. My E2 was over 600. I was told to do only half a dose of my Menopur last night and resume the normal dose tonight. During IVF #1, my first E2 was 370. I am responding extremely fast, in my opinion. ER is looking more like Sunday than Monday.
Next u/s and E2 tomorrow morning. I'm hoping to see a little more action in my left ovary, but as DH said, quality over quantity.
I heart him.
During my wanding, I was told that I'm responding "well" and "quickly". I had seven follicles in my right ovary measuring 9.8 to 12.4. My left one came in at a disappointing three follicles, 7.0 to 11.2. My lining was right on track at 6.7. My E2 was over 600. I was told to do only half a dose of my Menopur last night and resume the normal dose tonight. During IVF #1, my first E2 was 370. I am responding extremely fast, in my opinion. ER is looking more like Sunday than Monday.
Next u/s and E2 tomorrow morning. I'm hoping to see a little more action in my left ovary, but as DH said, quality over quantity.
I heart him.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
"Everybody's Got Plans....Until They Get Hit"
It's a rarity that I'll quote Mike Tyson, but how true are those words? It seems that everyone makes plans - it's a part of life - but no one plans on the "hit" that derails it all. Well, our plan was to have a baby and complete our family. Part of the plan, although unplanned, was IVF. The hit was the miscarriage. Part of me is still reeling from it all. Part of me is hopeful enough to try again. Part of me never wants to risk it in case it ends the same way. All of me is too scared right now to make "those types" of plans.
So, here we find ourselves with no real plans to move forward in TTC. We won't even pretend that we're trying naturally. I know that within a few minutes of leaving DH's body all of his sperm clump together and die. And I've heard the, "It only takes one" line of reasoning. I don't subscribe to fantasy. I'll sooner be licked by a unicorn than conceive a baby the old-fashioned way.
So what can Aub do? Aub can get the hell out of Oklahoma for a while. Next week the boys, the dog, and your truly will travel 1000 miles over a period of two days back to West Virginia for the whole month of July. DH will join us mid-month and that's when we will make our way to the Big Island to celebrate ten wonderful years together. I can't believe it. Seems like just yesterday we were talking over dinner (a blind date!) and here we are. Ten years, eight moves, two beautiful boys, millions of laughs, and thousands of tears later, our story reaches a milestone. I couldn't have picked a better person to share the novel of my life with. I am a lucky girl!
Those are our immediate plans. I cannot wait to get back to the place that refreshes and recharges me. I know it will be hard to see my family and the few friends of mine who knew about the baby; I am sure it will be grieved again. I cannot think of a better place, however, to move forward, move on, and find the strength and determination to keep fighting for what my heart has decided is already mine, than in the mountains of my home.
So, here we find ourselves with no real plans to move forward in TTC. We won't even pretend that we're trying naturally. I know that within a few minutes of leaving DH's body all of his sperm clump together and die. And I've heard the, "It only takes one" line of reasoning. I don't subscribe to fantasy. I'll sooner be licked by a unicorn than conceive a baby the old-fashioned way.
So what can Aub do? Aub can get the hell out of Oklahoma for a while. Next week the boys, the dog, and your truly will travel 1000 miles over a period of two days back to West Virginia for the whole month of July. DH will join us mid-month and that's when we will make our way to the Big Island to celebrate ten wonderful years together. I can't believe it. Seems like just yesterday we were talking over dinner (a blind date!) and here we are. Ten years, eight moves, two beautiful boys, millions of laughs, and thousands of tears later, our story reaches a milestone. I couldn't have picked a better person to share the novel of my life with. I am a lucky girl!
Those are our immediate plans. I cannot wait to get back to the place that refreshes and recharges me. I know it will be hard to see my family and the few friends of mine who knew about the baby; I am sure it will be grieved again. I cannot think of a better place, however, to move forward, move on, and find the strength and determination to keep fighting for what my heart has decided is already mine, than in the mountains of my home.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Welcome to the New Blog !!
This design may (or may not) stick. Now that I actually know how to do a design (template and header that is!) I may change it around some until it is just right, but the hearts are staying - one way or another. It feels good to have a change. New season, new blog, new me? Maybe!
I think I'm going to host a giveaway! I knew not everyone would follow me to my new blog and I'm completely okay with it, but I think once I get to 25 "sweethearts" I'll shower you with appreciation via gifts. This will take place very soon, within the next week. More details soon!
So, what's new? I've been a horrible blog follower of late. I promise to catch up! As for me, I've been doing good. Experienced my first CD1 post-miscarriage on 6/2 and then I believe I turned around and ovulated the next week. No joke. I can feel AF coming again and I'm only on CD 20. We really aren't even trying naturally right now. DH was out of town for my spontaneous ovulation. Instead, we are enjoying no-strings-attached bedroom shenanigans. I can't even tell you how nice it is to do it for the sake of doing it. I feel like I'm twenty.
In other news, and there's a lot of it, I am back to running and getting into shape! I've lost four pounds (whoop!) and am feeling really good physically. I have two solid running partners and all the support from my hubby that I could want. It's been great to focus on what I can do (run ten miles) as opposed to what I cannot do (conceive a baby naturally). Go me!
I have so much more to tell you all - lots of plans are shaping up for us - and Hawaii is in three weeks! I don't want to be all drawn out and blahbitty blah blah, though, so I'll save it for tomorrow.
I've missed this!!
I think I'm going to host a giveaway! I knew not everyone would follow me to my new blog and I'm completely okay with it, but I think once I get to 25 "sweethearts" I'll shower you with appreciation via gifts. This will take place very soon, within the next week. More details soon!
So, what's new? I've been a horrible blog follower of late. I promise to catch up! As for me, I've been doing good. Experienced my first CD1 post-miscarriage on 6/2 and then I believe I turned around and ovulated the next week. No joke. I can feel AF coming again and I'm only on CD 20. We really aren't even trying naturally right now. DH was out of town for my spontaneous ovulation. Instead, we are enjoying no-strings-attached bedroom shenanigans. I can't even tell you how nice it is to do it for the sake of doing it. I feel like I'm twenty.
In other news, and there's a lot of it, I am back to running and getting into shape! I've lost four pounds (whoop!) and am feeling really good physically. I have two solid running partners and all the support from my hubby that I could want. It's been great to focus on what I can do (run ten miles) as opposed to what I cannot do (conceive a baby naturally). Go me!
I have so much more to tell you all - lots of plans are shaping up for us - and Hawaii is in three weeks! I don't want to be all drawn out and blahbitty blah blah, though, so I'll save it for tomorrow.
I've missed this!!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Good News Will Work Its Way To All Them Plans.
I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.
The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.
I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.
1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!
2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!
3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.
That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!
And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:
...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...
The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.
I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.
1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!
2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!
3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.
That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!
And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:
...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Ten Days of Company and Looking Ahead
I am not dead :)
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Letting Go
My whole body hurts. From the middle of my back to my knees, I feel my whole body gearing up for what I only imagine is going to be one hell of a period. It's getting ready to let go. And I have been, too.
I want to thank you all for your thoughts and sweet comments. Some of you have been cheering me on since my first post. Others, my first injection. Still others, my first beta. I am so appreciative of all of the support I have received during what had been a crazy, bumpy ride.
Truth be told, I think this is coming to an end. I know there's no way to know for sure until my appointment on Monday. Call it mother's intuition, I think my baby is tired. It's okay to let go. I've been telling her since yesterday that if it would be easier to go, I only want her to know first that I've been dreaming about and wanting her for so long and I want nothing more to be her mom, but that I understood.
I will miss this baby every single day. I know it will be hard to deal with, but I have been told a lot by my DH that he thinks I have been strong and handled everything really well. I hope that I can grieve this loss and find a way to go forward. Although it is not the outcome we had hoped, it is an answer and it is a way to move on and start living again.
Oh, my sweet baby....
I want to thank you all for your thoughts and sweet comments. Some of you have been cheering me on since my first post. Others, my first injection. Still others, my first beta. I am so appreciative of all of the support I have received during what had been a crazy, bumpy ride.
Truth be told, I think this is coming to an end. I know there's no way to know for sure until my appointment on Monday. Call it mother's intuition, I think my baby is tired. It's okay to let go. I've been telling her since yesterday that if it would be easier to go, I only want her to know first that I've been dreaming about and wanting her for so long and I want nothing more to be her mom, but that I understood.
I will miss this baby every single day. I know it will be hard to deal with, but I have been told a lot by my DH that he thinks I have been strong and handled everything really well. I hope that I can grieve this loss and find a way to go forward. Although it is not the outcome we had hoped, it is an answer and it is a way to move on and start living again.
Oh, my sweet baby....
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Dreaded Red and True Love
Today has been "interesting". What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy. I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store.
At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks. I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.
I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck. I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it. I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound. I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.
DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand. I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen. A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.
One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart. Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.
We are in love.
And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.
At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks. I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.
I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck. I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it. I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound. I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.
DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand. I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen. A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.
One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart. Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.
We are in love.
And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Too Scared to Screw?
Yep. This post is about sex. Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. It needs to be blogged about because it's kind of what's NOT been going on around here. I won't be offended if you don't read or comment. It's all good. :)
So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed. It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.
Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.
It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.) Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition. We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.
It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....
So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed. It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.
Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.
It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.) Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition. We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.
It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....
Friday, April 8, 2011
Bad Dreams...
I tend to dream a lot when I'm really tired. It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I'm exhausted. For the last ten or more nights, I've been dreaming a lot.
A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!" I agreed that this year, I would be DD. Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...
DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane. I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.
Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant. By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound. Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward.
I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.
**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**
A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!" I agreed that this year, I would be DD. Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...
DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane. I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.
Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant. By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound. Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward.
I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.
**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sweet Morning Texts and Beating the Control
Me: Morning :) I am still pregnant.
DH: Morning. Good. Go eat bfast good for baby.
This is how DH and I said good morning to each other. He'll be back tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.
My bleeding has stopped. ADIOS! Don't come back now, ya hear?
And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line's butt this morning. I'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change.
And here is me! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed, ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days.
GO ME!!!
DH: Morning. Good. Go eat bfast good for baby.
This is how DH and I said good morning to each other. He'll be back tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.
My bleeding has stopped. ADIOS! Don't come back now, ya hear?
And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line's butt this morning. I'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change.
And here is me! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed, ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days.
GO ME!!!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
More Good News
I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today. DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good, he would just cancel his trip. Well, I am happy to report that he left this morning. :)
My beta yesterday was 481. Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling". It went 61 above that! I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter. The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good. They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...
In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am. I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.
Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:
And a digi for good measure:
My beta yesterday was 481. Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling". It went 61 above that! I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter. The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good. They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...
In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am. I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.
Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:
And a digi for good measure:
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Location: Limbo
That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.
DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us. We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.
Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid. Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low." It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think. We are in the gray area.
I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow). I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF. I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.
Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison. And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.
I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.
DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us. We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.
Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid. Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low." It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think. We are in the gray area.
I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow). I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF. I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.
Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison. And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.
I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.
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