Trauma: Life in the OB's Office

My experience at my OB appointment on Monday. Read for a good laugh. And for TMI.

My kids had off school for President's Day and I had a 9:15 OB appt. So much for sleeping in! Anyway, I am never in that office for more than thirty minutes from waiting room to check out. Of course, that wouldn't be the case on the day I brought my children. 

We waited over an hour in the waiting room alone. The kids were good; they had their PSP and DS to play with and they were troopers. DS2 kept letting stinkers and claiming that he did not have to go #2. I was skeptical. After about twenty minutes of little "smells" wafting my way, I realized that whether or not he had to go, I DID. More reason for me to beg that my name be called RIGHT NOW. Which happened. Finally.

So I get my weight, BP and FMU checked and get into a room. The nurse informs me that they will be doing a fetal fibronectin test and I will be getting it done every appt until delivery. "Bottoms off" she says to me. Umm. #notsomethingIwantmykidstoseehappen

My game plan was to make the kids turn around and face the wall for the test. (It was the best I could come up with spur of the moment.) I gave them a short explanation of how things were going to happen and what I wanted them to do. They turned around while I derobed and hopped up onto the table. I covered with the paper napkin/towel/thing and we waited. And waited. And waited. AND WAITED. FORTY minutes later and now I have to pee and go two. I was breaking into a cold sweat. The kids were starting to whine. Calgon, take me away!

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I redressed, threatened my kids to be good "or else" and left the room to go pee. I returned, re-derobed, got verbally chastized by my ten-year-old for leaving a "butt print" on the paper on the table and retook my position on the exam table. At this point, I was FUMING mad over my wait.

Fortunately, the kids were getting the hint that I had had it and when my finally OB came in, they turned around, faced the wall, and didn't turn around or speak the entire time he was in the room. Who knows what my OB thought of them standing there like that?!

What's worse, it took a strength I didn't know I had not poo all over the place when he opened the speculum up for the FFN test. I was deep breathing and everything.

Worst part, we missed Chick-Fil-A breakfast.

To say that I am slightly traumatized by the whole experience is a serious understatement. I can't even imagine how my poor kids must feel.

Three days until viability!!!

Graduation and Eye Wandings

My RE's office called on Monday and asked to move this morning's u/s to tomorrow because he had to do three retrievals this morning (apparently the infertility business in BOOMING).  I couldn't do tomorrow because my FIL is coming to visit, so they ended up rescheduling my appt for yesterday afternoon.  My symptoms had taken a dramatic turn for the better, which had me freaking out, so I was actually happy to see the littles sooner even though DH couldn't make it because of meetings all afternoon.

The wanding began and I made my RE aware of my fears over my symptoms before we started. He said that symptoms are not a hard and fast rule of pregnancy. Regardless, I looked away from the screen as I was in no mood to see shrunken sacs and babies with no heartbeats with my own eyes. (How effed up am I from my m/c still?)  Anyway, he immediately told me to look at the screen as he saw Baby A had a heartbeat and went about his measurements.  She measured 8w2d (right on track) and had a good strong heartbeat of 161 bpm.  We listend to the heartbeat and then he held the wand on her for just a moment longer and told me to lay real still and watch closely.  After about three or four seconds, she did a little wiggle!!  It was so sweet, I got very teary-eyed.

Onto Baby B who is just a little bit further away from the wand and a titch harder to get a good view of.  Measuring also at 8w2d, this one had a heartbeat of 170 bpm.  A few more moments of looking around and a handful of pictures later, my wanding was over. :(  I won't see the babes for another 2 weeks, but when I do.......

It will be my first OB appt!!!!! I am a graduation girl!! How cool is that?!

Onto the eye wanding portion of the visit (and let me just say that this mortifies me, but at the same time, it is just too funny and if you can't laugh at yourself, well, you need to cause life is too short to take yourself seriously).

I spoke with Dr. Awesome RE's nurse for a few minutes after he left the room and when she left, I jumped off the table to go into this little closet area they have to change back into my clothes. I dropped my paper skirt on the ground when I jumped off the table and when I bent over to pick it up, wouldn't you know that I lined my fricking eye up to the u/s wand that was back on its holder and wanded my EYE?! Beside the initial "Ouch! Oh my god, my eye!!" reaction, I also had the "Are you freaking kidding me?! That thing has been inside every infertile in the Oklahoma City area!! Gross!!!" thought.  I was completely alone, but was so embarrassed.  I guess it was a good thing that DH couldn't make the appt.  I still haven't told him. I have no plans to do so, either.

Lesson learned: Never a dull moment at the RE's, people.

Kleptomania and The Love of Basketball

A snippet of conversation from before bed last night:

(The scene is a master bedroom with a king-sized bed and a handsome devil of a husband laying propped against some pillows and reading Wikipedia on his Ipod.  His wife enters the room, slightly vexed, and says,)

ME - Umm, I need to talk to you about something that could be a problem.

DH -  Okay.

ME - Well, I went to get my progesterone checked today and I took DS2 with me and there was a little stress ball by where they draw blood that looked like a basketball. I assume that people who don't bring their veins to their blood draw squeeze on the ball and...you get my point.....so, DS2 takes the ball and starts playing with it and the nurse does her thing with poking a hole in my arm and then she tapes me up and says to DS2, 'I need that back if you don't mind.' They then start throwing the little basketball back and forth and I say, 'DS2, we need to go pick up DS1. Put the ball back on the table and let's head out.' The nurse and I talk a little about my progesterone and whatnot and then we leave.

DH - What is the point of this moronic story?

ME - I'm trying to tell you!!  She asked for the ball back and I thought he put it back on the table, but I just looked in my purse for chap stick and look what I found!! (pulls out little basketball from behind back) Our son stole the basketball from the fertility clinic. HE STOLE THE BALL!!!! OUR SON STEALS!!!!!

DH - He didn't steal that ball. I took it on Saturday when we went in for our embryo transfer. 

ME - What would possess you take the basketball?

DH - Because I thought DS2 would like it.

(Scene ends)

Albeit a completely pointless tale, I just had to share.  :D :D :D :D :D

Please, Save Me from Becoming my......Mother

My 57-year-old post-menopausal mother is seeing an RE.  As ridiculous as that sounds, it's true. Let me back up.  When we moved to Oklahoma over four months ago, my mom broke out in hives. I joked that she was having a reaction to me being so far away and this was funny for a week or so. Several dermatologist appointments, a battery of tests, and even $5000 worth of blood work ordered up by one very thorough allergist (thank God for health insurance) later has turned up nothing and the poor woman is still covered in hives.  The only thing they discovered is that her thyroid is nonexistent and this fact has led her to be referred to an endocrinologist. Easier said than done. The ONLY guy in town couldn't see her until April. She probably would have killed herself by then as I can only imagine what being covered in hives for 4+ months would drive me to.  On a whim, she called an RE's office and was happy to hear that he could get her in and would take her case.  So, my 57-year-old post-menopausal mother is seeing an RE.  Believe me, the irony is not lost on this girl one bit.

She just had her appointment last week (approximately one week after my first appointment with my new RE) and I can imagine she felt a little out of place. I can see pushing 60 and sitting in an exam room with a wall covered in baby pictures (mostly twins, she recalled) would make you say some pretty dumb things.  What did my mom choose to say to find some common footing with her doc? I'll give you one guess. She talked about ...me.  "My daughter is living in OKC and she and he husband aren't getting pregnant and she just went to an RE last week.  Her doctor wants to put her on Femara to make her ovulate and I'm just scared to death she's going to be the Octomom all by herself and so far away from her Mama."  Thanks. For. That. Mom.  I thought my ears were tingling on Wednesday afternoon.  I shall fast forward to her phone call to me after the appointment.

Me- "You called me the Octomom?! Well, if it made you feel better about being around all those baby pictures, then I suppose it's okay to discuss my personal business with a complete stranger (mind you I was kidding)."

Her- "He wanted me to tell you to tell your doctor to test you for Diminished Ovarian Reserve."

Me- "Okay, what?! Why would he even say that? He doesn't know me or anything about my case."

Her- "He said that after he looked at my chart."

And there you have it. No matter what we tell ourselves when we are teenagers about being NOTHING like our moms when we grow up, it is inevitably our fate. She went on to tell me that he believes she should have never gone through menopause so soon and it could very well mean that she "ran out of eggs."  It doesn't seem all that far-fetched that the same thing could be happening to me. I'll probably mention it to my doc when I see him on CD 3 for my u/s.  I just think it's hilarious that my mother and her doctor are discussing and mock-diagnosing me from five states away. And I suppose it's funny that I'm becoming her a little more every day. Minus the hives, though. :)