Apologies for my late update on u/s #3. DH has been out of town all week and my m/s has amped up big time. The last two days have been particularly bad as I have been sick all day and my eating small meals often hasn't helped as much as it did in the past. I am by no means complaining, just sharing. The gags are the worst part of it all. I really feel that if I can get a good hurl in, I would be a new person, but alas! I cannot spew.
My u/s on Wednesday was great. Baby A - Larry, measured right on track at 7w3d and had a heartrate of 137 bpm. For your viewing pleasure:
Baby B - Balki, measured at 7w3d also and had a heartrate of 140bpm:
And the shot I had to life my ass up off the table for my RE to get (thanks to my introverted uterus!):
My Babies!!
Next u/s is this coming Wednesday where I will be 8w3d. If all looks good, I will graduate to my OB. :)
I just spoke to the embryologist, whom I will affectionately call "Deidra". It is, after all, her name.
At a little less than 72 hours out from fertilization, we have:
Three 10-cell
Two 8-cell
Three 7-cell (one of those showing no change from yesterday)
One 6-cell
One polynucleated (too much DNA) - discarded.
Five of them are looking "good". Four of them are showing 15% or more fragmentation and are "not as good".
*sigh* I knew that yesterday's high was bound to be stifled a little. Each day, as Deidra said, you are expected to see a drop off. It's the natural progression of things. As long as we have some good quality blasts for transfer on Saturday, there is nothing to be disappointed in. Yet, *sigh*. I just want it to work this time.
We are to come in at 8:45 on Saturday and transfer is scheduled for 9:00. I won't be getting any updates tomorrow as they leave the embabies alone on day 4 and won't look at them again until the morning of transfer.
We spoke briefly about the possibility of transferring three. She said that having a failed IVF cycle before puts us as candidates, but it's a double-edge sword. If we have two beautiful blasts on Saturday, it will be a hard sell to get Dr. Awesome RE to transfer three. If they are just average, he would probably be agreeable. That's what we don't want, though, is "average" blasts. We want beautiful.
I hope it's only two, then.
I will update here after transfer. Please say a little prayer. <3
At this point, they want to see them around 4 cells. She explained to me that an embryo only has so much energy and if it uses up a lot of it in the beginning, it will, unfortunately, "peter out" when it comes time to turn into a blast. She said that, at this point, the 4-celled ones are our front runners, showing very little fragmentation. Also, one of the 4-celled ones is "just beautiful" (in her words)!! Yay!!
The best part is that she commented that everything looks so much better compared to last cycle. Be it the diet changes, the exercise, the wheatgrass shots, or whatever, something is definitely different this time. In a good way, too!
Before we hung up, I asked her to go sing the babies a lullaby and that I couldn't wait to hear from her tomorrow. Will update here when I get that call.
So, I was negligent in updating my blog after Friday's ultrasound and E2. We were pretty sure we were going to go for retrieval yesterday (Sunday). It all hinged on my progesterone level. If it was elevated above 1.5, he was going to retrieve on Sunday. If not, he wanted to stim me one more day in hopes of getting better quality eggs at retrieval. My progesterone was only 1.23. So, we stimmed Friday, triggered Saturday and did retrieval today.
My retrieval went well. I am a little sorer than I was last time, but as far as nerves are concerned, there were none. DH and I both felt more at ease this time around. No surprises. As the record comes to a screeching halt....
We got 14 eggs!! After being told all week that I had only nine, we got FOURTEEN!! Woo hoo, right?? Wrong! Read on...
I called my fertility clinic this afternoon to get my final E2 from Saturday's bloodwork. The nurse I spoke to said that as of Saturday, before trigger, my E2 was 3125. That is 1000 more than what my estrogen was at the same time last cycle. I got so excited telling her that with one less egg, my estrogen was so much higher. She then informed me that we actually had 15!! They "found" one more after we left. How is that even possible?!
I don't know! But we have babies down the road and I can't wait to get the report tomorrow on how they are doing!! <3
I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.
The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.
I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.
1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!
2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!
3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.
That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!
And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:
...We'll all float on. Alright already we'll all float on. Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy. We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on. Alright already we'll all float on, ok. Don't worry we'll all float on. Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
If you are uber observant, then perhaps you noticed that my pregnancy ticker has been adjusted. (Just so you know, I don't really expect any of you to have noticed that, but it has been adjusted so I thought I'd share why.) I went in for my U/S this morning and noticed that they have my LMP (last menstrual period) as 3/3/11. I thought it was 2/28/11 since my babies were conceived on 3/14/11. Silly me just assumed that the kiddos were created on the "Day 14" of my cycle and apparently, they were fertilized on "Day 11". No worries, I'm just not 7 weeks pregnant today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days. Due date is 12/8/11. (That seems really far away, doesn't it?)
Baby is measuring one day behind and I was told not to worry about that discrepancy. One day does not matter, but three or four days would, so I am choosing not to worry about this. Heart rate was 103 and I was told that for a 6 week, 4 day old fetus, that is perfectly within normal range. At about 8 weeks, the heart rate will jump up to the 120-160 range. I am also okay with this. Baby is measuring .60 cm. Last Tuesday, baby was .20 cm and when converted to mm, baby grew from 2 mm to 6 mm which is also good. Dr. Awesome RE also found what he believes to be the cause of the bleeding - a hematoma near the baby that is very small (hopefully all bled out!). I am really pleased to have found a cause. All this unexplained bleeding was not sitting right with me. There has to be a reason, right?!
I am to come back in one week for another U/S. I am hoping that I can be released to an OB at that point. I just need one week of no drama!! RE recommended continued limited activity including lots of rest, no sex, no hot baths, no hot tubs or saunas, etc.
Today has been "interesting". What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy. I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store.
At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks. I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.
I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck. I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it. I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound. I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.
DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand. I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen. A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.
One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart. Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.
We are in love.
And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.
I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today. DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good, he would just cancel his trip. Well, I am happy to report that he left this morning. :)
My beta yesterday was 481. Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling". It went 61 above that! I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter. The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good. They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...
In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am. I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.
Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:
First off, I'd like to address my grammatical error in the post title. I am aware that the correct way to use that statement is "Everywhere are lines" or "Lines are Everywhere" but I was thinking of the song "Signs" (Tesla's cover of it) when I titled my post and was trying to stay with the style of the song. As you may be well aware, I am referring to my home pregnancy tests having lines. Lots and lots of lines.
I'm PREGNANT!!!!
According to home tests, there is a bun in my oven! I am beyond shocked and incredibly grateful and just so, so happy and well, plain scared. I'm going to be a mom again. I'm giving my husband another child and we want this baby so bad that I'm scared to death that this isn't really happening. OR that something is going to happen to take this baby (or even babies) away from us. I'm thinking positively and doing what I can to keep myself and my baby (ies) safe, though. What else can I do?
Beta is two days away. Please pray that the numbers are good and we can have a definite answer and can look forward to our first ultrasound. And as always, thanks to all of you who read my blog and share this journey with me and give me constant support and lift me up with your comments. You will never know how much you mean to me, my bloggy friends.
Happy Tuesday!! What do you all think of my babies? Aren't they adorable? They really do resemble my side of the family. :) Today, I stopped by the fertility clinic to have my progesterone levels checked and I picked up my babies first picture. I asked the nurse if she needed a blood draw for the progesterone or if showing her the welts on my bum would be sufficient enough. She thought I was funny. For real, though, my poor bum. The welts are red, they're itchy, and they're ugly. All for the best cause, though. Do you see my babies up there? :) Anything for them.
Yesterday, as an honest to goodness attempt to make good on my Iron Commentator endeavor, I commented on thirty eight blogs. I am officially ahead of the game. It feels good. Everyone's story is unique and important. I always find myself writing a paragraph for a comment. I also like to read their other posts and their About Me sections and their TTC stories. Wow, to connect on such a personal level with so many women is a privilege. I hope they feel the same way when they come here.
Today I POAS. I know, I know. 8DPO and 3DP5DT is soo, so early. But there was a line. A VFP. A very faint positive. I'm going to keep it for myself for now, but will definitely share it when I put up progression pictures.
Can you believe it?! I'm a little pregnant. Who'd a thunk?
Welcome to my blog ICLWers!! I am going to more than make up for my lack of commenting and returning comments last month by attempting to be an Iron Commentator this month. It will be my act of redemption. I am 30 and so is DH. We are TTC #3 and I am currently PUPO with twins via IVF with ICSI. In January, DH was diagnosed with antisperm antibodies and although we were given the three IUIs option, we opted to jump into the deep end of IF and go straight to IVF. Honestly, I just didn't think the IUIs would work. Too much reading about the condition led us to go for what we felt was our best chance at conceiving. So, that's about it. Grab a seat. Stay a while. At least hang on until next Monday when I have my beta!
So, at 2DP5DT, I am feeling kind of neutral. I keep having positive thoughts for the sake of my little embabies that are trying to make a home in my womb. My mood is peppered with moments of doubt and fear. We didn't receive a phone call yesterday, so none of the other seven embryos we had made it to freeze. I won't lie, I cried. I cried because they didn't get the chance to grow and develop and become our children. I cried because I feel even more pressure for this to work with what we have in there. I'm not sure if it's something that anyone else that I've talked to about understands. I get the feeling that people are too encouraging sometimes. Too optimistic. Is that awful for me to say? I don't know.
What I do know is I have to allow my mind to go to a place where this may not work. I have to prepare myself emotionally for "no". Now that we don't have any frosties, "no" means a lot more. It most likely means the end of the line for us and TTC. I can't see going through this again. Hope for the best. Expect the disappointment. That's what IF has taught me.
Now that I sound like Debbie Downer (sorry), I will say that I'm feeling crampy, which I think is good. I rub my belly a lot and talk to my embabies. DH says goodnight to them and asked them several times over the weekend if they were still in there - lol. I'm thirsty and get over-heated easily. There's also this weird pulling sensation at the very tops of my legs. Don't know what that's all about. I think they will be implanting today and tomorrow. I was thinking of POAS maybe Thursday, but probably Wednesday.
If you don't visit my blog again, I want you to leave knowing that I believe with all my heart that I will get some sort of happy ending. I think we all will. Even if it's not the one we originally thought we'd have. There's a saying I love and it's (something like) "Everything ends happily. If you're not happy, it isn't the end." Or something to that effect. You get the point. :)
Sorry it's taken me so long today to update you all on the transfer. We went in at nine a.m. and had to wait a little while for the retrieval that was scheduled ahead of us to finish. My appointment was for 9:30, but we didn't get called back until close to ten. Needless to say, I was more than anxious at that point!
We went into a conference area with Dr. Awesome RE and he informed us that we had two Grade C embryos ready for transfer. I immediately wondered why they weren't an A or even a B. (I mean, come on, my husband is an engineer and while I lack a wealth of book smarts, I have incredible life skills and am full of common sense.) Dr. Awesome RE said that although As and Bs were not impossible, he rarely saw any embryos receive such high marks there. Their grading criteria is very harsh and Cs and even Ds are what he mainly transfers. I had read a few other blogs where they had A+ embryos for transfer and while, kudos for them, I actually felt really good knowing that ours had gone through a very difficult grading system and came out with the marks that they did. No worrying! Not today!
We went back to the area where I was placed to await ER and I was told to strip down from the waist down and that DH could put on some scrubs over his clothes. I snapped this picture of us before we got ready:
Awe....the mama and the papa :)
Then we got all dressed (or undressed as it was for me!) and ready. I snapped this pic of DH and Dr. Awesome RE:
Spacemen
After that, I was wheeled into the OR where I had just had my ER on Monday. They kept me on the stretcher for the whole thing to keep me from having to get up afterward. Dr. Awesome RE placed a speculum (think pap smear) into my vagina and then started squirting down my lady parts with saline and talking about how he was creating as sterile an environment for the catheter with the embabies as possible. After the douching, he showed us the catheter that he would be using to insert into my uterus via my cervix. There are actually two catheters: a white outer one for insertion and a clear smaller one that goes inside of the white one that would have the embabies in it. Once he positioned the white catheter, he asked the embryologist to get the clear one with the embabies, a.k.a. the "loaded" one, from the lab next door. When she returned holding that little clear tube, I lost it. I started bawling. I couldn't believe that my babies were in there! He inserted the clear tube into the white one, pushed the plunger on the end and voila! I was pregnant with twins. DH was so sweet. He kept a hold of my hand and wiped my tears with his other one. I was very unprepared for all of my emotions, so I was happy to have his hand as a kleenex. :)
That was it. Took all of five minutes We hugged and kissed when we got back to our little holding area and closed the curtain. DH went on and on about how cool it was (I knew it would hit him eventually!). I laid there for an hour and then we came home. Like nothing had even happened. But everything has happened. I've got two little babies inside of me. Please pray that they snuggle down next to their mama and grow.
I went to bed last night twenty nine and woke up this morning.....thirty. Yes, indeedy. The dirty thirty is here. I am undecided on how I feel about today. I fully expected to be pregnant by now and I'm not. That's okay, though. I get to go to a class at four that will teach me how to give myself shots in my belly and my bum so that I can get pregnant. Yay thirty!! Woo hoo infertility!!
Ahh, but anyway, IVF class is today. We're going to go over all of our paperwork and then learn how all this shot taking is going to go down. I suppose if I have any questions, they will be answered at that time (?). I'm not sure how many other couples will be there. I hope I have the courage to ask what I want to without the fear of sounding dumb to others. I'll just remind myself that DH and I are there for us and we need to work out all the kinks in our heads. I don't want us to leave today without knowing that we got everything we could out of the session.
Tomorrow is my u/s for mapping my uterus and seeing where the best placement for my embies will be. At that time, I'll also get my dates for ET and ER. How real is that going to make it all?! I still can't believe we are here, but at least there is progress! In six weeks, if all goes well, I will be in my TWW and that much closer to my goal of completing my family and being a mommy again. It will be so different than the past, though. There WILL be life inside me. All they have to do is stick! Wow. How blessed am I to be able to experience this all? I would never call IF a blessing, but the fact that we have the means to continue on where others have to stop makes me feel extremely fortunate.
I guess I have no special wisdom to show for the almost eight hours that I've been thirty. I do know that it's a hard transition. It's a beginning and an end. A chapter in my life closes. The details are finite; they are down in history in permanent ink. A new chapter opens. The pages are blank. They are waiting to be filled with all the joy, blessings, trials, sorrows and possibilities that lie ahead. I know that I don't want to tiptoe quietly in to this decade of my life. I want to bust down the door and shout - -
