Trauma: Life in the OB's Office

My experience at my OB appointment on Monday. Read for a good laugh. And for TMI.

My kids had off school for President's Day and I had a 9:15 OB appt. So much for sleeping in! Anyway, I am never in that office for more than thirty minutes from waiting room to check out. Of course, that wouldn't be the case on the day I brought my children. 

We waited over an hour in the waiting room alone. The kids were good; they had their PSP and DS to play with and they were troopers. DS2 kept letting stinkers and claiming that he did not have to go #2. I was skeptical. After about twenty minutes of little "smells" wafting my way, I realized that whether or not he had to go, I DID. More reason for me to beg that my name be called RIGHT NOW. Which happened. Finally.

So I get my weight, BP and FMU checked and get into a room. The nurse informs me that they will be doing a fetal fibronectin test and I will be getting it done every appt until delivery. "Bottoms off" she says to me. Umm. #notsomethingIwantmykidstoseehappen

My game plan was to make the kids turn around and face the wall for the test. (It was the best I could come up with spur of the moment.) I gave them a short explanation of how things were going to happen and what I wanted them to do. They turned around while I derobed and hopped up onto the table. I covered with the paper napkin/towel/thing and we waited. And waited. And waited. AND WAITED. FORTY minutes later and now I have to pee and go two. I was breaking into a cold sweat. The kids were starting to whine. Calgon, take me away!

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I redressed, threatened my kids to be good "or else" and left the room to go pee. I returned, re-derobed, got verbally chastized by my ten-year-old for leaving a "butt print" on the paper on the table and retook my position on the exam table. At this point, I was FUMING mad over my wait.

Fortunately, the kids were getting the hint that I had had it and when my finally OB came in, they turned around, faced the wall, and didn't turn around or speak the entire time he was in the room. Who knows what my OB thought of them standing there like that?!

What's worse, it took a strength I didn't know I had not poo all over the place when he opened the speculum up for the FFN test. I was deep breathing and everything.

Worst part, we missed Chick-Fil-A breakfast.

To say that I am slightly traumatized by the whole experience is a serious understatement. I can't even imagine how my poor kids must feel.

Three days until viability!!!

Of All the Things I've Lost....I Miss My Mind the Most

This head cold/sinus infection has led to brain rot.

I can't really function all that well...or make a burrito for that matter. Sorry if this post makes less than good sense.

Sleep has eluded me for three nights now. I walk around all day like a zombie, but when it comes time for bed, I am wide awake.  Not like wide awake and functioning. Mainly just sitting and staring.  With wide eyes.  Like a deer caught in the headlights. (Except that no 18-wheeler subsequently blasts me into oblivion.)

I tried to help DH make burritos last night. Yes, I said "tried".  The first one went so-so, but the second one stopped cooperating (like it had a mind of its own) and I ended up kind of sort of throwing it across the kitchen.  Yeah. That happened.  The dog was in h-e-a-v-e-n, but DH was not impressed.  In fact, he put me in time-out.  Yeah. That happened, too.

I just hope the cold/sinus infection and all of its lovely side effects leave me....and soon. I think I've been given a glimpse of what it is like to be a man.

And it is very, very bad.

Update #3 and Instructions for Transfer

I just spoke to the embryologist, whom I will affectionately call "Deidra".  It is, after all, her name.

At a little less than 72 hours out from fertilization, we have:

Three 10-cell
Two 8-cell
Three 7-cell (one of those showing no change from yesterday)
One 6-cell
One polynucleated (too much DNA) - discarded.

Five of them are looking "good".  Four of them are showing 15% or more fragmentation and are "not as good".

*sigh*  I knew that yesterday's high was bound to be stifled a little. Each day, as Deidra said, you are expected to see a drop off. It's the natural progression of things.  As long as we have some good quality blasts for transfer on Saturday, there is nothing to be disappointed in.  Yet, *sigh*.  I just want it to work this time. 

We are to come in at 8:45 on Saturday and transfer is scheduled for 9:00.  I won't be getting any updates tomorrow as they leave the embabies alone on day 4 and won't look at them again until the morning of transfer.

We spoke briefly about the possibility of transferring three.  She said that having a failed IVF cycle before puts us as candidates, but it's a double-edge sword.  If we have two beautiful blasts on Saturday, it will be a hard sell to get Dr. Awesome RE to transfer three.  If they are just average, he would probably be agreeable. That's what we don't want, though, is "average" blasts. We want beautiful.

I hope it's only two, then.

I will update here after transfer.  Please say a little prayer.  <3

Letting Go

My whole body hurts. From the middle of my back to my knees, I feel my whole body gearing up for what I only imagine is going to be one hell of a period.  It's getting ready to let go. And I have been, too.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and sweet comments. Some of you have been cheering me on since my first post. Others, my first injection. Still others, my first beta.  I am so appreciative of all of the support I have received during what had been a crazy, bumpy ride. 

Truth be told, I think this is coming to an end. I know there's no way to know for sure until my appointment on Monday. Call it mother's intuition, I think my baby is tired. It's okay to let go. I've been telling her since yesterday that if it would be easier to go, I only want her to know first that I've been dreaming about and wanting her for so long and I want nothing more to be her mom, but that I understood.

I will miss this baby every single day. I know it will be hard to deal with, but I have been told a lot by my DH that he thinks I have been strong and handled everything really well. I hope that I can grieve this loss and find a way to go forward.  Although it is not the outcome we had hoped, it is an answer and it is a way to move on and start living again. 

Oh, my sweet baby....

If it Weren't for Bad News, There Would be No News

Warning: I curse at the end of this post. Offended? Don't read.

Last night, I ran a fever.  Out of concern, I called the RE's office and let them know. Of course, they wanted me to come in so they could take a look.  The good news? RE thinks that the fever is viral and that it would pass within a day or two.

Bad news:  Fetal heart rate was down to 97. Monday it was 103.  RE is "concerned".  Says time will tell and we will recheck on Monday.  He also marked my check-out sheet "high risk pregnancy" for the first time ever and I found the reason why on Dr. Google.

http://radiology.rsna.org/content/236/2/643.full

Don't feel like reading it? Here is the gist.  In 300 pregnancies where a low embryonic heart rate was found at 6-7 weeks (low = 100 bpm or less at 6.3 - 7.0 weeks), 188 or 60.6% ended before the first trimester was over.  Many ended within a week.  (As in, go back for recheck and find out that fetal cardiac activity had ceased.)

I fall into this category. Yay! Can't wait to go in on Monday and see whether or not my baby died. And the best part? Even if the heart rate recovers, my chances of "first trimester demise" are still 25% higher than most pregnancies.

Fuck you IVF. Fuck the last 3 months of my life and all the hope I had that this bullshit would work, too.

Teetering

My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived.  Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying.  I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying.  Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved.  My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.

I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting.  I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on.  It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene.  When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.

I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.

Too Scared to Screw?

Yep. This post is about sex.  Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. It needs to be blogged about because it's kind of what's NOT been going on around here.  I won't be offended if you don't read or comment. It's all good. :)

So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed.  It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.

Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.

It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.)  Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition.  We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.

It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....

Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)

My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some.  My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.

I honestly don't know what to think.

I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta.  If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.

Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby.  My bleeding is the same.

My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.

the waiting is the hardest part

Why is it that all we do is wait, wait, wait?  It's like I'm living my life in incriments of hours, days, and weeks. It can be so discouraging, knowing that so much is beyond our control and out of our hands.  I'm currently waiting to get the call about DH's s/a. We were told yesterday that they would have the results to our doctor's office some time yesterday afternoon.  My RE's nurse called at minutes til 5 to say that they had not received the results, but that she would "try" to call as soon as she got them. So. I. Wait.

The whole experience of giving the sample went fine. DH and I met over at the medical center and went up to the suite that housed the lab and the doctor's practice that would do our testing for us. We had to find a place that would not only do the s/a, but also the antisperm antibody test as well.  We filled out a single sheet of information and were escorted into a room where DH could "do his deed".  He informed me many times how humiliating it was for him to do such a thing and it took all but biting my tongue off not to say, "How about last week when me, you, and two strangers hung out in a dark room where one of the strangers put a wand up my t%^t and we all took a peek at my inside lady parts. Do you think THAT wasn't embarrassing for me?" I had to keep telling myself that men are just full grown babies sometimes and even if I don't ever get pregnant and get my baby, I'll always have him. :)

I'm really hoping to get some news today. It would be super helpful to my sanity if I didn't have to run for the phone every time the dryer buzzed. :/

Not copying off of my dear friend's blog (but kind of), since I quoted a song in my post title, I shall present the song in it's entirety here:

As soon as I hear something form my RE, I will pass on the news to you all.

CD15 and the ever-illusive "O"

Oh, you tricky, tricky devil.  Here I am, feeling like a dang hen on a big juicy egg that's never gonna hatch.  My OPK was negative. Again. Not even a little line.  Really? Is that how it's gonna be?  I feel great giving my lining a little more time to thicken up and getting that follie nice and big (two days ago it was 20.1mm), but enough is enough and I'm ready to get the baby-making BDing on!! Bring on this TWW, but Lord don't give me any more stark white sticks!!

I need a plan.  DH suggested luring the eggie out with a twinkie, but that sounds gross and messy to me.  I had thought maybe we could scare it out with either a horror movie tonight or maybe DH could jump out at me and scare me.  I'll happily take any other suggestions on how to get this TWW started but until then....

This'll be me. Sitting on my egg.  Bruck! Bruck! Bruckahhh!