"Get A Massage, Take A Yoga Class, Hire An Au Pair"

Who said it?
A) A well-meaning friend.
B) A fellow mother of multiples.
C) My dermatologist.

If you guessed C, have a cookie.  Although they seem more likely to come from a friend or a mom of twins, these words were spoken to me by my skin doctor.  I shall explain. But first, let me just say that I don't know what to think of this guy.

I went for a consultation on my skin, to get a plan for the future and when I was called back, after the pleasantries and whatnots, got right into to telling him about my rosacea.  I told him what has worked for me in the past (IPL), what I haven't seen any results with (creams, pills) and asked him to give me his thoughts on the matter.  The following is our conversation:

Him:  What exactly do you think I'm going to be able to do for you today?
Me:  Look at my skin, listen to my concerns, come up with a game plan for what can be done after these babies are born.
Him: Oh. Okay. You wouldn't believe how many women wait until they are pregnant to come in with concerns over their skin and then they get pissed that I can't do anything for them.
(Uncomfortable silence.)
Him:  So, are you staying away from your rosacea triggers?  Hot drinks, chocolate, cheese, tomatoes?
Me:  I have one cup of coffee a day and yes, I stay away from the rest. (A blatant lie. I have cheese and fairly often. It's my go-to snack. Whatever. He doesn't need to know that.)
Him: What do you hope to accomplish with future treatments?
Me: I want to get my redness under control, get rid of some of these capillaries and achieve an all over more even skin tone.  If my pores were smaller, that would be a bonus.
Him: You think your pores are enlarged?  (looks at my face through funny looking glasses)  Are you under stress, by chance?
Me: (stares at him)  Well, we just moved into a new house, I'm pregnant with twins after dealing with infertility, we've had some complications in this pregnancy, and I live about 1000 miles away from my family.  In a word? Yes. 
Him: Because there's this amazing phenomenon that happens in the brain when someone is under stress that makes things appear larger than they really are. People visualize things that aren't there.
Me: Sooo, you're saying my pores and my ass AREN'T as big as I think they are?
Him: They're probably not.  I really wish more doctors would read the research that has been done in the field because...(blah, blah, blah)...
Me: (Thinking to self)  I am witnessing someone having a mental breakdown. This is what the thought process of someone who has taken one too many hits off the gravity bong sounds like. I am really glad I stopped smoking pot in college.
Him: ...but the pharmaceutical companies can only treat stress with pro.zac and pax.il, so there's really no money to be made off of stress-related brain phenomenon.
Me: (stares)
Him: Until we can get you some practical treatment for your rosacea, why don't you get a massage, take a yoga class and hire an au pair.
Me: Are you going to give me a prescription for that?

Honestly. I'm left a bit confused by the whole experience. Do I think he's capable of treating my skin issues? Yes. Do I think he's koo koo for cocoa p.uffs?  Absolutely.

Gender Disappointment

These words are gross to me.  I didn't even know there was such a thing as gender disappointment until I went searching for a place to upload the twins' NT scan pics to get opinions on what sex they might be.  The most popular site In.Genderdotcom, has a whole section devoted to being disappointed in the gender of your baby.  What. The.  Eff. 

Apparently, when you are fertile, you get to get pregnant at will and have the audacity to be disappointed if you were trying for a boy and got a girl or trying for a girl and got a boy.  I try not to let this kind of stuff get to me - I don't really care what kind of silliness people who have no clue how lucky they are can conjur up for themselves to get upset/disappointed over, but I'll be damned if that type of ridiculous behavior is going to creep into my life.

Let me set the stage for better understanding of why I am even addressing this stupidity here.  Since we found out that the twins are boys, the reaction from family has been less than stellar.  We've been met with more, "Awws" than "OHMYGOODGODANDGRAVY, Congratulations, you guys!!!"  We've even had an, "Oh well, as long as they are healthy" comment (this one really pissed me off).  I know that these people love us, want what is best for us and always have our best intentions at heart, but does anybody really think that the genders of these little ones was the goal here?!  Especially since these are people who know what we've gone through to get here.

I don't care if these babies are giraffes, as long as I can carry them to a healthy term, deliver them safely and be healthy myself, that's all that matters to me.  Why can't others just be happy for us?  What's so great about having a daughter that makes these little guys less miraculous?  Am I missing something here?

It's not my goal to bash girls, believe me. We would be ecstatic to be having a little girl, but the part that irks me is that obviously our family would be ecstatic, too and THAT'S the part that I don't get.  Little boys only get an "Oh well" while little girls would warrant a proper reaction? 

How could anyone not be as excited and grateful as we are over our labor of love? 

I feel like we should preface telling people with a "Sorry to let you down, but..."

Facebook Pregnancy Announcement

You know, they don't bother me anymore.  I guess being pregnant makes them more bearable.  But this one got under my skin.

You see, she is four weeks pregnant.

That's right.

I said four.

I will be five tomorrow and have no plans of even breathing a word of it until twelve or thirteen weeks. Probably even later than that if it's twins.  Even then I will be waiting for something bad to happen. For the other shoe to drop.

Are people for real?

I wish I could be so effing ignorant.

Fertilization Report

The phone call finally came in at about 11:30 this morning.  Here's the skinny:

14 eggs retrieved (I guess that 15th one was just a myth!)

14 mature.

14 ICSIed.

7 fertilized normally.

4 are being watched but have yet to show signs of fertilization.

1 is being watched because it appears to be fused (?)

2 showed signs of abnormalities and were discarded.

Will know more tomorrow!

Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)

My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some.  My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.

I honestly don't know what to think.

I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta.  If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.

Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby.  My bleeding is the same.

My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.

Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

Looking For a Sign...

The transition from 2010 to 2011 was not a fun one in our household. DH and I are trying to car shop and yesterday we went to the dealership to test drive a new vehicle.  We got a late start and were feeling flustered.  Once at the dealership, we argued over everything from outside color to features and everything in between.  It felt pointless and a waste of time.  I could feel my emotions getting the best of me. This Femara has me very up and down in the mood department.

When we got home, we fought. It was awful. I couldn't stop crying and DH just piled on one hurtful comment on top of the other. He doesn't understand why I just can't be happy here and be settled. He said he's sick of living his life trying to keep me from crying. He said he hated the way "those pills" were making me act and he said he wished I'd stop taking them.  He stormed out. I'd never felt so crushed and defeated.

Part of me knows that there is much truth in what he had to say. I'm a grown woman who's really never kept her emotions under control. When I'm angry, you know. When I'm sad, you know. When I'm happy, you know.  My heart is on my sleeve. Ever since we knew that ttc was not going our way, I have been very emotional. Each busted cycle grinds me deeper into the ground and knocks the wind out of my spirit. I live 1000 miles away from my family and my friends. My whole support system is 18 hours away and DH has shouldered the brunt of my anger, sadness, frustration.  I know he feels like he has failed in making me happy since we moved here. I know I've done a bad job of telling him that it's not him, it's THIS: Everything is hard. Nothing has gone smoothly. The last six months have felt like one slap in the face after another. I'm tired. I want peace. I want results.

When he returned, he apologized for the things he had said out of anger. We didn't talk much the rest of the night. When midnight came, he was in bed and I was reading on the couch.  It was a horrible New Year's Eve. The Femara is a lot to blame. My crying and feeling super insecure all the time. I read online that many women were extremely emotional and weepy on their Femara cycles. This made me feel a little better. I still was left questioning if we are doing the right thing, though. Will I ever get a positive hpt? Am I blindly groping after something that is never going to happen? I went to bed asking for a sign, anything to give me the push to keep going on this course. Something that says, "Don't throw in the towel. Not yet."

I know it's a silly thing to ask for: a sign. What would it be? Would I even recognize it if I got one?  Would it ever come?  Then, at about 5:00 this afternoon I got my sign -

Can you believe it?! A hot air balloon in my own backyard! It was so bizarre, but I knew it was my sign!  I grabbed DH and we ran to check it out. I wanted to cry (again, the Femara) because the first thing that popped in my head as a possible meaning for this balloon to land in our backyard on the first day of the first month of 2011 was this:

Expect the unexpected!  There are more surprises in store this year!