Good News Will Work Its Way To All Them Plans.

I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.

The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere.  I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on.  I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday.  I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too.  I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things.  So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward.  I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.

I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be).  While deciding if we will cycle again.  So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.

1.) Exercise.  I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily.  For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise!  It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air.  So amazing to be back out there and be active again!

2.) Travel.  Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August.  While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman.  We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn).  That's at the end of August.  Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break.  Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!

3.)  Change.  I am working a lot on me.  I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost.  Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise.  Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying.  It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now.  I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.

That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1.  If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way.  If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings.  I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress.  I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like.  I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!

And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:

...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...

Fast Forward to a Time Where Nothing Makes Sense

I've been negligent in my blogging. In my defense, I knew I wouldn't post for well over a week because DH, the boys, and I went on a little trip to the Bahamas. Cleared our heads, got some tans, had some drinks. Feeling ready to tackle this week. It's going to be a big one! First thing is first, though:

I feel like I'm fast forwarding big time in the stream of events, but basically, after DH and I were cleared to start trying for a baby, my body stopped making sense. Great timing  for the plumbing to bust. Way. To. Go. You see, I've always been one to have a very reliable cycle. AF came on the day I expected her at around 10 in the morning.  She lasted five days and we parted ways for another 28 days. This is the life I am accustomed to.  However, since January of this year, AF has been an illusive bitch. Sorry, but I will not censor myself when speaking of her. She now shows up whenever she feels like it. Could be 25 days or it could be 40. Since January, she's been wrecking havoc on my life and as I type, I am sitting on one butt cheek. Why? Oh, because I ovulated two days ago and my whole right side and lower back are in a constant state of cramping. Normal? I think not.  It also feels as if there is a five pound weight in my va-jay-jay. I checked and there isn't. I'm fairly certain that's not normal either. :(

I contacted my gyno about my concerns and she feels that varying cycle lengths are "not a big concern." Also, painful ovulation can be "normal." Gee, thanks for that. Is your degree in answering question without really answering them? Cause you're awesome at it. And what about me? If I know something isn't normal for me, does that count for anything?  Which led me to my "take the bull by the horns" decision.  I called an R.E. I told the receptionist what was going on. I expected her to tell me that I was going the need a referral as well as a slew of tests first from my regular doctor.  Turns out, I don't need either. She simply asked me if I felt it was time to be seen. I nodded my head and cried.

Let me wrap up by making something clear: I know there are people out there struggling with infertility. Some have been trying for years. They have a clear diagnosis.  I'm hoping that's not me.  The truth is, I don't know what's going on. I have enough concerns to warrant a visit to the R.E. though. Feeling positive for some answers on Wednesday. Whether or not this is the beginning of a new relationship (albeit patient/doctor) remains to be seen.