Post-Coital Update

They were all dead.

I don't understand why for every ounce of hope and happiness I've felt of late, a full pound of despair and sadness accompanies.

happy surge day!!

I did it! I surged! Woo hoo!! And we've jumped on the baby making train of opportunity and gotten busy twice in the last 22 1/2 hours.  I thought I'd share a picture of my happy positive OPK sticks:

The top one is from this morning around 7 am.  The bottom is from this afternoon at 1.  I have detected my LH surge! The next step will be to go into my R.E.'s for a post-coital test at 9:15 in the morning.  Hip! Hip! :)  I'm actually pretty anxious about this test and I hope that DH's spermies are swimming happily in my CM.

I thought I'd also include my positive digital OPK test. It's a smiley face and I feel that I deserve to look at a smile.  I also find it funny to pee on something and it give me a happy face in return:

So exciting!!

CD15 and the ever-illusive "O"

Oh, you tricky, tricky devil.  Here I am, feeling like a dang hen on a big juicy egg that's never gonna hatch.  My OPK was negative. Again. Not even a little line.  Really? Is that how it's gonna be?  I feel great giving my lining a little more time to thicken up and getting that follie nice and big (two days ago it was 20.1mm), but enough is enough and I'm ready to get the baby-making BDing on!! Bring on this TWW, but Lord don't give me any more stark white sticks!!

I need a plan.  DH suggested luring the eggie out with a twinkie, but that sounds gross and messy to me.  I had thought maybe we could scare it out with either a horror movie tonight or maybe DH could jump out at me and scare me.  I'll happily take any other suggestions on how to get this TWW started but until then....

This'll be me. Sitting on my egg.  Bruck! Bruck! Bruckahhh!

Would You Pull Yourself Together Woman??

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty much an emotional mess today. I've tried on every single mood there is and NONE of them are suiting me.  I've let thoughts of doubt get to me and I think I've ruined my day and the day of a few friends who were victims of my texts/calls. I've purposely not spoken to DH today as to not yell at him. We are supposed to be BDing every night and I hate BDing when I'm angry.  I also can't stand the thought of DH saying the above words to me when I fly off the handle over things I obsess on.  I don't need a lecture. I need a box of tissues and a padded room.

It all started when I went over my u/s in my mind. Over and over again. I keyed in on the comment my RE made about my lining being on the "thin side."  I took that comment and within an hour convinced myself that I will not conceive this month because my lining will be way too thin. And there you have it folks. A demonstration of how a small seed of doubt can ruin the whole garden of hope.

5.8mm on CD13.  I still have time before I O (probably a good 3 days or so), but why couldn't it have been 6.5 or even just 6?  If it's not a big deal, why did my RE even say anything about it being thin? Is he trying to break it to me that things aren't looking good, but didn't want to rule out my chances just yet?  How is it that I am transfixed by a few words that he said during an otherwise very good visit? Am I crazy?

Don't answer that...

"Can we make an omelette with that egg?"

This is what DH asked my RE today when we went in for the midcycle u/s this morning.  Yes, it's true. I've got a pretty nice follie on the left side! Just one, but I was told that one is enough. It measured 20.1mm and everything else looks great. My lining is a little on the thin side, but well within normal range. Ovulation isn't expected for a few days yet, so Dr. R says that all will be fine in that department when I do "O".

I had mixed emotions about today's visit.  Part of me wanted to see two follies. I wanted to super-ovulate. I know it sounds crazy, but had there been two, I would have felt better about A) my chances in conceiving this cycle and B) that my body was working on its own.  Now I question both.  Will this be the month? Was I even ovulating before the Femara?  It's difficult not to get all down in the dumps and second guess every little detail. I probably asked Dr. R eleventy times if he was happy with everything and felt that all was up to his expectations. Eleventy times back, he gave me a big smile and the "thumbs up."  Now it's up to us, I guess.

He still would like for me to come in on Friday for a post-coital exam. I'm probably going to go, but I don't know how to feel about it. I've read lots of forums where people are saying that theirs came back bad, but they ended up getting pregnant that very cycle. Some people get great reports from it, but have yet to get their bfp.  A lot of doctors don't place much value on them, where others do. AGH!! What to think? What to think?  If it comes back bad, I'm probably going to go off the deep end, for real.  My mind will say, "One egg?  Hostile CM?  Good luck with that one, loser!"      *Big sigh*

To answer Josh's question about the omelette, Dr. R just laughed and said, "Absolutely. Make a baby omelette with that thing."

Here's hoping!!!

Yow-Za!!!!!

I don't have  alot to say, but I finished my Femara on Saturday (yay!) and although I have yet to get that smiley face on my OPK, my ovaries are working overtime - both of them!  I can feel so much activity going on down there and I'm so excited! I just want to get to Wednesday for my mid-cycle u/s and count and measure these follies!

I'm on CD 11 and feeling great, just impatient. Want to get the rest of this cycle going! :)

Looking For a Sign...

The transition from 2010 to 2011 was not a fun one in our household. DH and I are trying to car shop and yesterday we went to the dealership to test drive a new vehicle.  We got a late start and were feeling flustered.  Once at the dealership, we argued over everything from outside color to features and everything in between.  It felt pointless and a waste of time.  I could feel my emotions getting the best of me. This Femara has me very up and down in the mood department.

When we got home, we fought. It was awful. I couldn't stop crying and DH just piled on one hurtful comment on top of the other. He doesn't understand why I just can't be happy here and be settled. He said he's sick of living his life trying to keep me from crying. He said he hated the way "those pills" were making me act and he said he wished I'd stop taking them.  He stormed out. I'd never felt so crushed and defeated.

Part of me knows that there is much truth in what he had to say. I'm a grown woman who's really never kept her emotions under control. When I'm angry, you know. When I'm sad, you know. When I'm happy, you know.  My heart is on my sleeve. Ever since we knew that ttc was not going our way, I have been very emotional. Each busted cycle grinds me deeper into the ground and knocks the wind out of my spirit. I live 1000 miles away from my family and my friends. My whole support system is 18 hours away and DH has shouldered the brunt of my anger, sadness, frustration.  I know he feels like he has failed in making me happy since we moved here. I know I've done a bad job of telling him that it's not him, it's THIS: Everything is hard. Nothing has gone smoothly. The last six months have felt like one slap in the face after another. I'm tired. I want peace. I want results.

When he returned, he apologized for the things he had said out of anger. We didn't talk much the rest of the night. When midnight came, he was in bed and I was reading on the couch.  It was a horrible New Year's Eve. The Femara is a lot to blame. My crying and feeling super insecure all the time. I read online that many women were extremely emotional and weepy on their Femara cycles. This made me feel a little better. I still was left questioning if we are doing the right thing, though. Will I ever get a positive hpt? Am I blindly groping after something that is never going to happen? I went to bed asking for a sign, anything to give me the push to keep going on this course. Something that says, "Don't throw in the towel. Not yet."

I know it's a silly thing to ask for: a sign. What would it be? Would I even recognize it if I got one?  Would it ever come?  Then, at about 5:00 this afternoon I got my sign -

Can you believe it?! A hot air balloon in my own backyard! It was so bizarre, but I knew it was my sign!  I grabbed DH and we ran to check it out. I wanted to cry (again, the Femara) because the first thing that popped in my head as a possible meaning for this balloon to land in our backyard on the first day of the first month of 2011 was this:

Expect the unexpected!  There are more surprises in store this year!