Among Other Things

The past two years have been all about my quest to get pregnant. I was just thinking that it's a good thing I'm a healthy person in general, otherwise I could have let some serious issues go by the wayside.  Putting off needed doctor's appointments and testing for sitting in my RE's office waiting for a date with Mr. Wandy.

I have always derived a sort of pleasure out of going to the doctor and checking 'No' next to every condition listed on medical history sheet.  The cherry on top was to be able to write 'N/A' next to "List of Current Medications".  (Although, I admit, it would be better to write that I at least took a multi-vitamin.)  Still. I enjoy being an overall healthy person who gets to tell the doc that I don't smoke, I don't use drugs, I drink occasionally, and that I've never had an STD. (Pats self on back.)

So, today  I have an appointment at the dermatologists.  I would love to be able to address my concerns over my face and come up with a game plan for after the babies are born for treating my rosacea.  In case any of you are unfamiliar with rosacea, from the U.S. National Library of Medicine: Rosacea is a chronic skin condition that makes your face turn red and may cause swelling and skin sores that look like acne. Symptoms: redness of the face; blushing or flushing easily; A lot of spider-like blood vessels of the face called telangiectasia, red nose (called a bulbous nose), acne-like skin sores that may ooze or crust, burning or stinging feeling in the face, irritated, bloodshot, watery eyes.

I have to admit that I don't exhibit all of the symptoms listed above, but I have everything up to and including the spider-like veins.  All of the symptoms after that are describing people who have advanced stages of the condition.

When I lived in Pittsburgh, I saw a dermatologist regularly for my rosacea and had a few sessions of intense-pulsed light therapy (IPL).  This is really the only thing that gave me visible results. There are some topical treatments, but I was never able to see much of a difference in my skin using the lotions I was prescribed.  I know now that I am pregnant, I won't be able to start IPL sessions until after the babies arrive, but I want to get in and be seen and  maybe even set up my first treatment for early/mid June.

I've always felt that if there is something I can do for myself to make me feel better and to give my self-confidence a boost, I am going to do it. Living with adult acne is hard. Especially when the redness and sores are under the skin, where you can't easily get to them and treat them by using the popular treatments they advertise on television.  I've made it through thirty one years of life and my chief medical complaint is acne. I'm a lucky girl. But I'll be damned if I'm going to just lie down and take it.

PUPO With........

So, there was debate about how many embryos we would transfer yesterday.  I was told by the embryologist that if we had two good-looking blasts, it would be a hard sell to get Dr. Awesome RE to transfer more than two. If everything looked "average" he would probably be agreeable to it and transfer three to "up" our chances of a successful cycle.

We arrived at the fertility clinic and I was nervous that no transfer would be taking place. You know, the fear that sets in over hearing, "So sorry...there were no viable embryos this morning when we looked at them."  DH kept saying, "Relax! This is the easy part." In the grand scheme of things, he is right, although none of this shit is easy, let's just be honest.  Transfer is easier than retrieval and beats the hell out of an intramuscular progesterone shot, so I opted out of arguing the matter of IVF being difficult in general with the man.

We were escorted immediately back into a holding area  and were told that Dr. Awesome RE was going to be in shortly to discuss the transfer and quality of the embryos and whatnot. Almost on cue, there he was.  We were told that we had two good looking embryos to transfer.  He spoke briefly about his recommendation of transferring only two.  He assured us that quality was not an issue with our embabies. He then stated that he would be agreeable to three, but wanted us to know what we would possibly be getting ourselves into.  He proceeded to talk about prematurity in multiples, possible time in the NICU, developmental delay, etc.  Did he think that it would for sure happen if we transferred three? No.  Was it his responsibility to warn us? Yes.  He then left us alone with the embryologist to discuss any questions we had as we made our decision.

Me:  Are the two ready for transfer blasts?
Deidra:  Yes.
Me:  How do they look?  Be honest.
Deidra:  They look really good.
Me:  If we did three, is the third one a blast?
Deidra:  You have a third blast, but I'm not liking it as much as a cavitating morula you have. It looks really good and would probably be the third.  (Note: A morula is the stage before blastocyst. A "cavitating" morula is a half step closer to blastocyst.)
Me: Is it looking like we will have any left over to freeze if we only do two?
Deidra:  At this point, I would say, don't count on it. (Note: The grading system at our fertility clinic is VERY strict. Especially when being graded for freezing.)

She then left us alone and DH and I had a private conversation that I won't divulge on my blog.  I undressed from the waist down and covered back up on the bed. When Dr. Awesome RE came in to wheel me into the transfer room, he asked if we reached a decision. I said nothing, but held up my fingers:

Grief

I don't want to let another day pass without at least telling you all that, physically, I am okay.  The D&C went as expected and I am no longer pregnant.

I am no longer pregnant.

My baby is dead. Gone. Never going to be born. Never going to be loved and looked after and cared for and cherished.

I am in a pretty fucking dark place right now.  There is nothing to satisfy the emptiness I feel.

I just want my baby back.