Solitary Confinement and One Woman's Quest for a Shower

This whole snowed in thing has certainly lost its appeal.  I'm finding myself sinking lower and lower into a state of self-pity that can only be remedied by a meal OUTSIDE THIS HOUSE.  The problem is, I require a shower to go anywhere public. "Just jump in," you suggest? I can't. I'm waiting for Mr. UPS guy to deliver my injectibles. As these things usually go, I get in the shower and DING DONG!  So, I wait.  DH isn't going to be pleased if I'm not ready to go when he gets here, but what can I do?  I'm stuck!

With all this wonderful time inside, I've been reading Pictures of You by Caroline Leavitt and the main character, Isabelle Stein, is...yep....infertile.  The issue of her infertility is but a small detail in the whole story, but it looms always. Her want for a child, her need to fulfill her maternal instinct is palpable. A particular passage resonated with me and chilled me to the bone:

Isabelle knew this phenomenon. Be tortured by something and the world was sure to serve it up to you.  Since she had moved to New York, she saw mothers and sons everywhere on the street. She could be in an empty movie theater and a parent with a child was sure to sit in the row right in front of her.

Be tortured by something and the world is sure to serve it up to you. Isn't that the truth? I want to be pregnant and since we moved to Oklahoma almost six months ago, I've been stalked by pregnancy from everywhere from the grocery store to the "fertility feed" on facebook.  I want my parents, but they are too far away.  I see mothers and daughters lunching and it stings like a slap.  I want a friend and yet there's no one.  I have acquaintances. I want an honest-to-goodness friend. I want to be me and say what I want and for them to know the real me isn't in the frustrations that I vent or the sarcasms that I speak. Every time I go out, I see friends together. They are shopping or lunching or working out together and it tortures me that I haven't a kindred spirit in this time zone. 

I am trying to prepare myself for a huge endeavor in this IVF cycle.  This is one of those colossal undertakings that typically require a support group the size of  your restaurant "large party" table.  I have my husband to lean on. And when the hormones kick in I'm probably the last person he'll want to be around, not that he understands the ins and outs of the female brain without the influence of hormonal medicinal rage, but you can't put a price tag on a good girlfriend.

I want to feel settled.


I want to feel home.


I want to feel like I belong.

I guess I'll settle for the dinner out tonight. I still really need that shower, though.

How to Make It Through

I've decided this month is just going to drag on relentlessly if I don't come up with a list of things to do while I wait to start stimming in March. It's ridiculous that the shortest month of the year is ALWAYS the longest.  All I have to do as far as TTC is concerned is take my bc and start Lupron injections on the 15th.  I guess I can also enjoy the newfound fun in BDing (although that has nothing to do with conceiving anymore).  So, I'm going to start a list of things to do to get me through this lull.  Some things are fun, others necessary.  In no particular order:

1.  Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt.  I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in.  Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!

2.  I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious.  Now I am.  I'm calling today for an appointment to get started.  Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush.  I'll laser it if I want to.

3.  Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it.  Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!

4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.

5.  I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2.  Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention.  They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.

6.  I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner.  I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over.  I want to find new recipes and try them.  If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!

I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!