This and That Friday

I have been vacant this week, but for good reasons, nothing bad.

DH was out of town for work and I had a friend come visit me to keep me company, keep me sane, and (to be honest) help me the heck out.  The days of DH being gone and me just "handling it" are o-v-e-r.  I'm too big, too tired, and too big and tired to go it alone.

So, my wonderful friend K, came all the way from Y-town, Ohio to spend a few days, share a bunch of laughs, and make a freezer full of meals to keep us going on days when it's all just too much.  This is incredibly kind of her, as she works a job where when she does not work, she does not get paid.  Also, she is struggling with IF herself, and will be going down the path of donor eggs starting this summer. I know it was not easy for her to be here, but we talked a lot about it and she knows I am there for her no matter what. She, in turn, is there for me - no matter what.  Our friendship is one of my longest and dearest.

I did go to the OB on Monday, all is well and next visit is my glucose test - blech.

I also saw my specialist for my monthly u/s and the boys are growing great. Almost two pounds each! Back for another u/s in four weeks with him.

Also, I am STILL participating in Scrambled Eggs' March photo challenge. You would be surprised how excited I am to capture each day's photo when you compare it with how much I loathe uploading pictures. I have a post with all pics forthcoming!!

Signing off, I had my maternity pictures done last week and although the proofs will not be ready for another week, my photographer posted a "teaser" photo on her blog and I thought I would share it. For anyone who wants to see it, just click this link!

Isolation Booth **Edited For Clarity**

Things are weird.  I feel like all of my friendships are on hold, in limbo, or possibly just damaged beyond repair.  It's not unlike the feeling of isolation that I felt when dealing with infertility.  I thought that once I got pregnant I would rejoin, reconnect, and slip right back into my niche with the people I hold as dear to me as family. My group has changed, though.  I was off at war. Fighting this awful enemy that threatened my hopes and seeped into all aspects of my life. I won that battle or at least, AM winning that battle for now.  However, everything has changed.  People have changed. I have changed. And relationships that were once wonderful and fulfilling are either gone or empty or have just changed so much without me realizing, that I don't even recognize them or know where to begin to find my way back to them.

When I was fighting IF, I turned to my friends for advice and comfort.  They knew of my struggles, as a few were fighting similar battles.  It all gets so old, though. "What's going on?"  "How are you doing?"  "Any news?" These questions became like crosses to bear.  "Just waiting."  "The same."  "No, nothing to report."  There was a sense of self-consciousness that overcame me.  It seemed that ALL of my conversations in ALL of my friendships centered around what was happening in my life and my fight with infertility, my quest to get pregnant.  I hated it. I wanted to run away from it all. Get back to a place where I could have laughter and fun without this cloud hanging over my head, without wondering what the next cycle would bring, worrying if I would ever get where I was desperate to be.  I wanted to be me and I just couldn't.

Now, I'm pregnant.  A battle has been won.  Aside from lost time, a friendship is also lost. Three more friendships are weird.  I haven't a clue how to fix any of it. Two of them are weird for reasons I understand. Completely.

One is with a fellow IFer who was pregnant right along side me for about 6 weeks. Sadly, she lost her baby at 9 weeks, has had a D&C and is now waiting for her body to regulate so that she can move forward with an FET.  I have been there. I know all about the protective walls we build around ourselves when we feel vulnerable, sad and beat down from IF.  When I had my m/c last April, she was there for me and I know there was a period of "downtime" where her support never wavered.  But I wasn't up for it. I wanted to shut the world out. Forget about it all.  Be a hermit.  Stay in my shell.  My support for her is there and I know that she knows that. I'm just kind of waiting for the natural progression of these things.  She waited for me. I wait for her. Plus, she is super busy with her work.  Matters that must be attended to - work demands its demands, people!!  Still, feeling disconnected is never a good feeling.

Another friend of mine has received devastating news.  She can no longer use her own eggs if she wants to carry a child.  I could not imagine what a blow that would be.  We've stayed in touch.  We're talking less than what we have before, but still talking. She has admitted that she thinks it's the end of the road for her and TTC.  I listen and support, but I cannot, CANNOT imagine how she must be feeling. All I can do is tell her I love her and that if she needs me I am here. She has told me she wants to take a step back from all things TTC.  See how she feels. I know she is doing what she needs to do for her. But I'm sad for us.  I would love to talk to her about the other things she has going on in her life.  But I understand her need for space.

The third friend is a bit weirder on the "things are weird" scale.  She admitted to me some things that I know she is not proud of.  She didn't want to keep secrets from me, so she told me some things.  Now she has just kind of disappeared off the radar and I can only imagine that she maybe wishes she hadn't told me to begin with? Like she thought she would feel better, but doesn't?  I don't know - all I can do is just continue to try and reach out to her. I love her no matter what.

The friendship that was lost happened before I started stimming for my cycle. I don't really know what to say about it other than maybe, just maybe, had I not been staring down the barrel of our last chance at conceiving, I would have been able to devote more energy into saving it, given it the fight it deserved. I was wrong to let it go the way it did, but she was wrong, too. Now, it's too late.  Actions on both of our parts have shown that neither of us are willing to go back and make ammends. I'm still sad over it, though.

Turns out, in pregnancy one can feel just as isolated as on infertility.  My friends are changing. I am changing. We're struggling to keep that connection that keeps us changing together.

Anticipation

I never thought I'd say this, but I am super sick of blogging about TTC and obsessing over the ever looming threat of a miscarriage.  So, I will keep today's thoughts on these matters short and to the point:

My bleeding has stopped. I am not as naive as I was before. It may come back. I anticipate that it will just because I've become more cynical over the past two and a half weeks. I dare you to blame me. For now, it is gone and I will enjoy every moment of its absence.

Now, in other news, I got my hair did today. I feel like a new person! If I must sit around in my pajamas, I will do so with good hair, darnit. And in more hair news, I ordered my extensions today!! Next Friday, I will have 6 more inches of hair! I cannot wait as I am really impatient and this whole waiting for my hair to grow out isn't really working for me. Can you imagine? Five whole months of gorgeous, long, thick, Kate Middleton-ish or a bit longer, hair. And when I take them out my real hair will have grown that much longer. Winning!

See - I'm not all mopey and grumpy and forlorn all the time. There are lots of things to be happy about. Today, my hair makes me happy. :) Lots of other less shallow things make me happy, too.  I am looking forward to seeing baby bean on Monday. I hope she's okay in there and still enjoying her stay. I am thankful for my church family who are taking care of DH and the boys and I in our time of need. Someone is coordinating meals and a lady is coming over next week to clean my house. How blessed am I to have such wonderful people who want to be here for us and give us the best chance of staying pregnant? God isn't good. He is wonderful!

Here's a pic of me and the bean today (and my rockin' hair!)

Have a good weekend everyone! :)

Looking Forward With Hope

I need to start off by thanking everyone for all their kind words and for just putting up with me the past few days. I haven't been that easy to deal with and I'm fairly certain I'm done wallowing in my self-pity.  I feel so thankful to still have an option and I feel so thankful to have all of you and your beautiful words that picked me up when it all was just too much to take.

I am looking forward. Tomorrow, we have our IVF consult and we are working on a list of questions for my RE. It feels good to be making plans. It feels good to be looking forward to the next stage.  Finding out that our option was one and not a very ideal one was by far the biggest kick in the teeth thus far, but in the darkest part of it all, I let go. I let go of all of this control that I've been holding onto and now I feel a little bit like I'm falling. I don't know where I'm going to land, but I trust that the hands that catch me are those of ones I trust and love: God, my DH, my family, my wonderful friends (you all included, of course!),  my RE, whom I trust and know without a doubt has my very best interests at heart. I think, in a way, I will be there to catch myself, too. Each time I get knocked down, I get up stronger than I was before the blow.  This has truly been a journey of self-discovery.

My blog title comes from the quote "Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."

How true these words feel today...