a time to talk about it

I guess it's that time. I spent all day Sunday writing off any hope I had for this medicated cycle after learning that all of my husband's sperm were dead in my post-coital test.  What a slap in the face.  I still feel down about it, but I've moved on to numb and I've found when I'm numb, I can still function, make plans and carry on with my day.  Thank goodness for that.  Especially since it was necessary yesterday to make arrangements for the next step.

The next step is to get a full semen analysis of DH. We have taken peeks at some samples in the last few months, giving us confirmation of the success of his vas reversal. Just in November, I saw what seemed to be millions of sperm swimming happily in their fluid almost two hours outside of his body.  I'm praying we get good results from the semen analysis, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.  Since he has had a vas/vas reversal they will also be testing him for antisperm antibodies, which you can read about here.  It's too long and complicated for me to describe and this article does a good job of explaining it.

Of course, I've already started to obsess over the "possible" results of the analysis.  I doubt it's low count/low motility. I'm no expert, but the amount of sperm I saw under the microscope in early November from a very small amount of his entire sample equaled millions of sperm in my mind. The urologist said they looked great, were all swimming forward and there was A LOT of them. Maybe I shouldn't count out low count/motility as a result, but it really hasn't crossed my mind.

The antisperm antibody is a completely different animal. IF he has the antibody, we really need it to be attached to the tail of the sperm.  An IUI would be an "easy" fix (as if any of this is easy).  The antibody on the tail keeps the sperm from being able to swim properly. The IUI would get them closer to the goal and give us pretty good chances at conceiving.  IF the antibody is attached to the head of the sperm, we would be recommended IVF with ICSI. I really haven't even allowed my mind to wrap around the idea of IVF. When we set out to complete our family, I never would have imagined facing those three letters. That's all I can really say about that right now. I can't let my mind go there yet.

IF his sperm live outside his body but not in mine, it makes sense to me that it's my CM killing them. That, my friends, would be awesome. Another Femara cycle with an IUI and we would be golden.

I'm going with option "D." It most certainly will be my CM and we will fix it easily next month. I'm setting myself up big time here, I know, but I have to believe that some part of this will be easy. Cut me a break, right? :/